By Sharon Smith

A question from a parent…"I am going back to work soon and am wondering if you can help guide me. What are some of the key things to look for when seeking the 'right' caregiver for your infant?"

Dear Baby,

Soon it will be time for me to go back to work and I have been wondering about the caregiver who will be with you during these times. I want to feel a sense of security from knowing that you are in safe, capable hands. This is incredibly important as I entrust your care and wellbeing into the hands of someone else.

I want to leave you with someone who can feel confident and capable with you. They will respond to you with care and respect. I will need to find out what respect means to this caregiver? What does it look like and what will it feel like for you and this person? How similar or different is it from my idea of what that is?

This won’t be easy of course, and the relationship you will establish with this caregiver, in terms of trust and security will depend on my relationship with this person in terms of trust and security also. This is a big step!

I am going to begin to work out how I can choose this person with an open dialogue. I will want to share my hopes and needs and listen about the experiences this caregiver can share to help me decipher how well we can work together. I want to ensure that I feel there is a goodness of fit in terms of personality for me and with your temperament. I will learn about this person’s childhood, values, the life experiences that they cherish or struggle with.

I will need to find out the types of experience this person has had with similar aged infants and about their child development knowledge? What have been their challenges in the past and what were the memorable moments? What did the caregiver learn about themselves from these experiences? Are they open to new learning and ideas?

I will look at their practical experience in how they care and I will share how I care for you -– as I need to know how this person will actively care for you – feeding a bottle, preparing food, putting you to bed, changing your nappy, bathing you, dressing you, comforting you – all the intimate care moments that serve your needs. How do they value these kinds of experiences?

This will help me understand how you respond to them and support how they get to know you, understand your cues, attune to you, talk with you about what is about to happen, handle your body and give you time and space, to show responsiveness in building their relationship with you. I need to know they can be clear in setting limits, accept your expression of feelings and confident to be emotionally present with you.

They will have a sense of humour as well as a sense of inner calm about them. They will understand about emotional intelligence and not feel overwhelmed by your emotions. They can respect your emotional integrity and communicate sensitively and clearly. The purposeful communication they will have with you is important in how they accept you, see you, hear you and understand that you can communicate with your body and gestures long before you speak.

The caregiver will provide you with recognisable and consistent patterns to the day. They will need to be flexible and comfortable with this kind of predictability to the day.
Our dialogue will help me work out the ease with which we can communicate about things that will come up. I will look for an openness and warmth in our exchanges and the ability to listen and problem solve. This will be important in building our trust with each other. As issues arise I need to know this caregiver can bring it to my attention and we can work through it together. We will need to work out how we effectively communicate about the days and nights and the transitions.

I will want to know that this caregiver appreciates all you can do for yourself and give you the opportunity to participate as much as you can in your care experiences. This will support an unhurried environment and special time in together allowing for full attention. These times together are rich in building the connection and valued as opportunities with each other. With this awareness for emotional refuelling you will be better able to explore and play.

I want you to have time to play, uninterrupted and with freedom to move as you develop and grow over time in a prepared environment. This will mean the caregiver can create a safe and challenging space to allow you to accomplish this. This means the caregiver won’t need to feel that you need to be entertained, to get through the day. The way you are seen and heard is authentic and realistic for your development.

I need this to be an enduring relationship, and their commitment to this family is important. The continuity in your care helps you build healthy stable attachments and supports your future healthy secure relationships.

This caregiver will have integrity in all that they represent. The sensible qualities for trust for the visible and tangible and practical aspects of the relationship require the capacity to be responsive, consistent, reliable and objective; and the more sensitive aspects of trust - the emotional intelligence, and qualities such as empathy, intimacy, and the more intangible dispositional qualities will feature highly in my choice.

I want you to thrive, feel loved through how you are cared for and paid attention to.  The caregiver’s respectful attitude towards you will make a big difference in how you come to see yourself.

Most of all, I want this caregiver to feel a part of this family and enjoy being with you and to share the joy of all that you bring to this world.

​Respectfully,
Sharon Smith
 
Sharon Smith is a RIE® Associate and NZITC Chair.  Based in Auckland, she shares this work through RIE® Certified programs and through her infant and toddler consultancy Magic Child.

By Rosalie Sinclair
 
I first heard about RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ classes from a friend when my daughter Fern was around six months old. The timing couldn’t have been better as I was just at the stage where I was questioning if Fern was getting bored and needing some toys to start playing with. My friend explained the use of minimal toys in the class and how the babies are free to interact with what they choose. She also mentioned the wonderful facilitator, who had such a calm and caring manner.
 
Intrigued I sent an email to the facilitator Sharon, requesting more information. I was so intrigued, and the seed had been planted.  I remember staying up late that night watching videos and reading blogs, learning everything I could about RIE® and its’ founder - an exquisite lady with a hard to remember name! The next morning I wrote to Sharon again, sharing how my eyes had been opened to just how wonderful RIE® was and that we simply must come to the classes.  She was delighted and I remember her saying how my message brought a big smile to her face. From there began the complete transformation of myself as a parent and of my relationship with Fern. 
 
I see the difference adopting the Educaring® Approach has made in so many areas of our life. Here are a few examples I’d love to share:

1. When we first started the classes, I remember always arriving late. Our morning having been a juggle of balancing Fern’s needs and mine to get out the door. There was usually lots of rushing and tears (mainly Fern’s). We would arrive all flustered, and in general I was just cramming too much into our days. Being a part of these classes taught me to slow down, to simplify things. I learnt that I needed to respect Fern’s needs and realised what those truly were! The importance of connecting during care moments and then giving each other some space to simply be. How communication with your baby is vital and that they appreciate being told what is happening or going to happen next. It felt strange at first speaking to such a young baby like an adult, but now I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.
2. I loved being in the space of the classes every week with no role other than to observe my child for 90 whole minutes. What bliss! It allowed me to see what an incredible being Fern is (not simply just a baby!) and observe the small changes in her development. The Educaring® Approach of allowing your baby’s physical development to happen naturally made a lot of sense to me. But it certainly resulted in lots of questions and comments from curious friends and family as to why I was still laying Fern on her back on the ground at 11 months old. Fern has been so content at each stage, only moving on when she feels ready and has built up the adequate strength. There were a few times where my patience was tested and societal norms were starting to get the better of me, but I’m so glad I persisted. The rewards have been evident in the strength and coordination she has, and how she knows the capability and limits of her own body so well. 
3. Mutual respect - a revelation I had a few months ago around this was that I was doing a lot of talking at Fern. I changed this by taking a few more seconds to get down to her level, actually look her in the eye and then communicating the message. Boy was I amazed by the difference this made! She was so much more willing to comply with my requests. I also learnt here the importance of waiting patiently and giving her a few moments to process what I’ve said. As well I try as much as possible to let her make the decisions and have autonomy at appropriate moments, so when it’s my turn to be in charge she’s happier to cooperate. 
4. Growing up I learnt to hide my emotions (well the ‘negative’ ones at least) as I think a lot of us did. This meant the Educaring® Approach of allowing instead of suppressing all emotions was quite a challenge for me. I was determined however for my daughter to know that it is okay for her to share however she’s feeling. That I won’t try and fix her or distract her out of it, but instead guide her with how to express those emotions safely. I believe this is a much healthier release instead of keeping those feelings bottled up inside. Again this is something I often get odd looks about as to why I’m not in a frenzy hugging and swaying and shushing Fern to stop her crying when she’s hurt or upset. Instead I show her that I’m there for her and observe carefully to see what she needs at that moment.
5. The Educaring® Approach opened my eyes to the fact that as a parent you don’t just set boundaries because you’re the boss and know best. You set them because a toddler who is learning to understand the complicated world around them needs those boundaries to feel safe. They’re going to test and test to find out where they are, and if met with no resistance will end up confused and not knowing what to do with all that power. It’s also important for us as parents to model setting our own limits so our children will be able to do the same. This is again where showing respect is so important - there’s no need to trick and coerce your child into doing things. Instead be truthful, while also being prepared that there’s a good chance they might not be happy with what you’ve just said. But again your role is to allow those emotions to come, acknowledge them, and then follow through with what you’ve said. 

 
I am extremely grateful to have discovered RIE® and the Educaring® Approach.  I want to say a special thanks to Sharon and her practicum students who do such a wonderful job modelling and re-inspiring me in class. Fern is now 19 months old and I’m still learning something new every week! 
 
Rosalie Sinclair has been attending RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ Classes with her daughter Fern for the past five terms.  She has a wonderful podcast called The Crunchy Mama if you would like to hear more.

A Personal Reflection on Educaring® and Life By Malenka Robinson

As I venture more and more into my life and deeper into my Educaring® journey; increasingly the truth behind the notion that we do not do RIE® but live RIE® becomes more apparent and real. It is easy to walk the everyday walk of life, to just keep going, thinking that we are doing pretty good, practicing what we are preaching; however, it is when something unexpected happens, when stress rises that we commonly revert to our defaults. During these times our true values, ways of being and support systems become evident and are confirmed.

I was in this situation in September 2018 during my pregnancy with my first-born. Following conception my pregnancy progressed without anything to note except a low-lying placenta at 22 weeks. This was not a concern; it is relatively common and often changes as the pregnancy progresses. I had experienced frequent movement, however being a first pregnancy, it was hard to know what to expect, I had no benchmark from a previous experience to draw upon. It was at a routine midwife appointment at 31.5weeks that my world came crashing down. My midwife struggled to find a fetal heartbeat. At this point I headed to the Women’s Assessment Unit (WAU) at Auckland Hospital where my husband met me. It was here that it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat, that our baby had unexpectantly passed away.

Several hours later in this unbelievable course our lives had taken, we received, what I consider our first blessing, I moved into spontaneous labour and gave birth to our first-born son, Manu. Unfortunately, this relatively easy birth was following by theatre for me as I experienced a haemorrhage. A couple of hours later I was reunited with my whānau including our wee Manu to try to comprehend what had just taken place. A day off work with a couple of appointments, including a relaxing massage and the excitement of the final build up to the inaugural NZITC Unfolding conference had suddenly been extremely upended!

It was like living a dream, it all felt surreal and I had to keep reminding myself that this was real time, that this had just happened and that the numbness would eventually pass. My only thoughts at this time was that this was not the entry into motherhood I had envisioned; I knew it was going to be different and challenging but this was hard, the why questions started. The question of how we would bounce back from this and the knowledge that my life would never be the same again kept being at the forefront. Now 11 months on, as we approach another milestone from this first year, I look back on the months that followed Manu’s birth and I can see how Educaring® and Magda’s ideas had permeated my personal life from my professional life. I can see how these have become part of who I am, they have become some of my defaults.

One of the biggest choices I was able to make was to Slow Down. Slowing down is something that educators often struggle to do as we meet the needs of others and get all the tasks done, yet it is an imperative foundation to Magda’s ideas. Magda said, “Do less, observe more, enjoy most.” For me following Manu’s birth I had an option. I could keep extremely busy, return to work following brief bereavement leave and pretend that life was as it was before his passing or stop, do less, and allow my life to crumble. I chose to do the latter, I chose to take maternity leave, do less, observe what was happening for me, my husband and close family and somehow find little moments to enjoy. Moments as simple as sitting on the deck, listening to the chicken’s cluck with no southerly wind blowing in off the harbour, or savouring the scent of an essential oil a friend gave me.

In the initial months every waking moment I was affronted by the fact that I had not planned to be in this place. While slowing down seemed a little crazy, it allowed me time. Time to grieve, time to cry, time to smile, time to laugh occasionally, time to reflect, time to just BE. It gave me space to allow emotions to flow and be expressed. It gave space for me to accept that anger, grief and sadness were acceptable to express anytime, anywhere. I didn’t feel the need to suppress these emotions or expect others around me to suppress their emotions, especially if they were different to mine. I was able to accept and acknowledge these emotions. “Remember, crying is a baby’s language – it is a way to express pain, anger, and sadness. Acknowledge the emotions your baby is expressing. Let him know he has communicated.” – Magda Gerber. Crying became my language and release. Emotional literacy, allowing children to learn about and express their emotions, rather than suppressing or ignoring them is important in our work with children, yet, we often don’t allow this of ourselves, and other adults. This leads me to authenticity and respect.

Giving myself and my husband permission to be authentic was a colossal aspect of my healing. To do what I needed to do or often just do nothing, to feel what I was feeling or feel numbness, to be indecisive, to sleep, to workout, to read, to question, to just be and allow others to do what they needed. Not having expectations allowed this authenticity to emanate. For me, allowing authenticity spoke respect.

Respect is the underlying principle of the Educaring® Approach. And this respect starts with self-respect. How can we sincerely respect others around us and the children in our care if we cannot respect our self? RIE® advocates meeting the child where they are, accepting what they can do today and enjoying this rather than wanting them to be on the next level. As a RIE® influenced practitioner I strive to do this, to accept where children are at right now and allow them to be in that place for as long as they need to be. Following Manu’s passing I had to do this for myself. I couldn’t physically or emotionally be anywhere else, I also had to do this for others on this journey, I had to allow them to be where they were, to do things differently to me. I found myself giving this respect to myself and to others.

While I earlier mentioned not having expectations, I did still have boundaries. I had to have physical boundaries, as I would burnout if I did too much, and I had to have social boundaries too. One of them was that it was ok to not go to events and be around others. Consistency and predictability within my days kept me going and eventuality got me back to a place of ‘normality’ if such a place exists.

The final aspect that I recognise as being evident in my life during this past year of grief and healing was having a secure base. This we should all know is imperative to our work with children as primary or main caregivers. We act as a secure base for them especially during times of change. I was lucky to have two secure bases during this time. One was my husband, as I knew he totally got what I was experiencing from his previous experience and the other was my God, who sure wasn’t going anywhere.

As Manu’s anniversary approaches and I have been reflecting on the past year, it has been interesting to examine how that during this time the people who got what I was dealing with, who were able to allow me time to heal and continue to allow me to be where I am on this journey to this day, many of them are familiar to the Educaring approach themselves. It is also thought provoking to see how the boundaries between professional life and personal life are blurred in relation to living the philosophy. I could not separate the two ways of being, they are entwined every day of my life. Don’t do RIE®, live RIE®, it’s so much more fulfilling and authentic.

Malenka is an NZITC Board member. She completed RIE® Foundations with Polly Elam in 2011 and completed her RIE® Practicum with Sharon Smith in 2019.