by Phua Li Ling

“I want to swing,” said 2-year-old Georgia to us at the playground. This was her first time asking to be carried into a swing and pushed. Unlike her older sister, who enjoyed being in a swing from the first time she tried one when she was a baby, and who would gladly swing for 30 minutes if no one else was waiting for a turn, Georgia would have nothing to do with a swing, until now.

When we’ve offered to help her onto swings in the past, she would turn us down. We would respect her wishes. “She’ll be ready for swings one day, in her own time,” is the lens that helped me let go of any expectations, and therefore unnecessary worry. In the meantime, it helped to observe that although she wasn’t keen on sitting in a swing, she was experiencing swinging In other ways - holding on to bars or rings and swinging her body forward and back, resting her torso on the seat of a swing and lifting up her legs so she would swing gently, asking to be held under her armpits and swung up high and down again. She has, in her own ways, been expanding her tolerance for vestibular stimulation.

Perhaps then it shouldn’t have surprised us so when she asked for the first time that day, to be lifted into a swing, and requested her papa to push her. Swinging next to me and her sister, she laughed with pure pleasure as our bodies oscillated back and forth, at our own rhythms.

Serendipitously, a colleague of mine recently shared these words by Magda Gerber on readiness: ‘
                                     If infants are ready to do something, they will do it.
                                       In fact, when they are ready, they have to do it.

When I visit centres or families, I often feel sad or frustrated because the children, to my mind, are doing beautiful things; the adults, however, say, “But why don’t they do something?” - and “something” is always something the children cannot do. When we give the child the message, “If only you would…” Or “If only you wouldn’t…” that child does not feel okay.

Try to feel that you are that infant: you feel you have to perform, you have to do, you have to create something. If you are lying peacefully on your back, then you should be sitting up. Even if you cannot sit up, you should. You feel that all the important people in your life expect something of you that you cannot deliver.’

Reading Magda’s words, the word that comes to my mind is ‘ease’. How much easier it is for both the parent and the child when, instead of wanting children to do what they are not yet ready to do, we see that they are already always doing what they are ready for, ‘at the perfect time’, in Magda’s words. Georgia is not ‘late’ or ‘slow’ at swinging in a swing set; she is ready now to sit in a swing having explored with swinging in other ways, and now is the perfect time for her.

Our society values faster and earlier, but as a parent and a RIE advocate, I’m learning that more important than when is how children do what they do. That Georgia’s first experience with sitting in a swing happened in a calm and regulated state, and that the decision to swing was selfchosen means she gets to associate swinging with pleasure, confidence and autonomy. These repeated experiences of learning and doing at her own time, contribute to the development of her positive self-image. I have observed this self-regard the first time she stood without support, put her face underwater at the pool, walk barefoot on grass, pour herself a glass of coconut water from a carton…It is a look on her face, and the way she carries herself that says, “I can.”

Our children will learn many things in their lifetime, and hopefully they are often guided by the trust in themselves that they can.

Li Ling Phua is a RIE® Practicum student now living back in Singapore.  She completer her RIE® Foundations™ in 2017 with Sharon Smith

By Gemma McAuley

“Hinengaro: The female who is known and also hidden - the mind.” - Dr Rangimarie Turuki Rose Pere.

There is a theory that the poor treatment of women by society correlates with the instability of the society to which they belong. Security for women leads to stability for society. There's another theory which states that the way humans have treated Papatūānuku, our Earth Mother, reflects the way that wāhine have been treated. Wāhine make up the majority of those who work in care-based roles, with the wellbeing of tamariki being inextricably tied to the wellbeing of the significant wāhine in their lives. So what do we do to ensure the wellbeing of our kaiako wāhine?  At TLC there is an innate understanding of the interconnectedness of the people who make up the TLC whānau. The vision and approach of ‘educaring’ applies not only to the children, but also to the teaching staff who are employed to implement it.

In order to provide optimal care and education for tamariki we need to consider our own holistic wellbeing. Becoming well versed in the educaring approach at TLC forced me (in the most positive way) to become more self-aware. “What we teach is ourselves” was the concept that made an immediate and jarring impression on me. It taunted me as I tried to go about my daily business. I visualised the tamariki in my care as mini-me toddlers, shuffling about the Kākano room with poor posture and grimacing, rosacea-tinged faces. It turned out that role-modelling would entail a lot more than working on my posture, and that a bit more introspection would be required. Earlier in my career I believed that the best teaching I would do would involve choosing resources, setting up activities, singing songs, and teaching numbers, colours and letters. What I didn’t quite grasp was the impression I would leave from all the moments in-between and all the unspoken moments - that by just being I was influencing. The act of caring, my facial expressions, reactions and responses, the way I moved and the tone of my voice; these moments and aspects were where meaningful teaching occurred. 

"Our words matter far less to our children than what we actually think and feel. Our children are the most sensitive, receptive and perceptive audience we will ever encounter, and for them, our feelings and attitudes are transparent and contagious.” Janet Lansbury

Initially, a teacher learning the educaring approach at TLC is not necessarily taught anything in the traditional sense. This is in keeping with the approach itself, as Magda Gerber tells us that self-learned lessons stick with us the longest.  

“Be careful what you teach. It might interfere with what they are learning.” Magda Gerber.

When I first started working at TLC, I wondered why I wasn’t being told explicitly what I needed to do. Apparently my authentic self was the best starting point, but what if, despite already a decade of working in early childhood education, that ‘authentic self’ was someone so subconsciously afraid of doing anything wrong that they needed to be shown what to do; stuck in a perpetual state of ‘fake it til you make it’? 

“When allowed to unfold in their own way and in their own time, children discover, manifest, and inspire the best in themselves and in others.” - Magda Gerber (sub in the word ‘teachers’ for the word ‘children’ and you’ll get my gist.)

New to feeding an infant in my lap RIE style, I was told in a gentle, matter of fact way that I looked uncomfortable. Was I? As it turned out, I was. I wasn’t attuned to myself in the slightest. And it is important that we tune into to our thoughts and feelings because of the young bodies and minds of our tamariki who involuntarily receive our subliminal messages – our discomfort becomes the infants discomfort. Although looking inwards can be challenging and even devastating, because some of us have brains wired to feel wrong for our ‘negative’ emotions, or for our instinctual responses and urges, it can also be rewarding. 
Just as we do for tamariki, teachers are entrusted with experiencing and making sense of happenings in their own unique way.  Strengths are highlighted; strategies and techniques for developing ‘deficits’ are role-modelled. Challenging thoughts and emotions aren’t suppressed, but acknowledged and worked through. Just as we don’t always tell children how to do things but simply do things ourselves and trust that they will notice, teachers are trusted to notice, respond and find their own way. This process allows us to role-model self-respect, resilience, and rangatiratanga - dispositions that will serve our tamariki in their learning experiences throughout life.

In the course of my exposure to the educaring approach, my attention was drawn to my own physical, mental and emotional comfort and discomfort in the most subtle ways. As my mentors and colleagues got to know me, they learned when to step in to support me and when to step away and “hand the competency back over to me,” as Elena often says. That small, seemingly insignificant moment of considering my own wellbeing when seated in an armchair assisting an infant with their kai triggered a journey of self-discovery, culminating in a recent liberating and validating diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Empowered, valued and self-aware, I had been afforded a sense of security and belonging, not only within my place of employ, but as a human in the world. The educarer had become the educaree – or maybe the other way around. As I’ve learned, the educaring model resists describing learning in absolute terms – it’s a complex, interwoven structure that stretches on perpetually, for as long as we continue to respect and place trust in each other and ourselves. 

“Having respect for the world is when you allow people to be what they are.” Magda Gerber.

Gemma is an educator at The Learning Centre (TLC) in Ponsonby, Auckland. She completed RIE® Foundations™ in 2020 with Polly Elam, Elena Marouchos and Ania Wojcikowski.

By Helen Lye

In recent years, mentoring has become one of my passions and an enjoyable area of my own teaching and learning journey. I view mentoring as an opportunity to share from my own kete of knowledge and experiences; but also an opportunity to learn more from others and more about myself.  

After attending a Summer Course at the Pikler Institute in Budapest, I had the revelation that Dr. Emmi Pikler’s ideas weren’t just about working with children; they provided a way of being in relationship with everyone in our lives.  When I realised this, it was my ‘aha’ moment - the turning point for  all the relationships in my life. Over the years, it has become abundantly clear that this is a way of being, and not just something that I bring to my teaching practice with infants and toddlers.  When I completed the RIE® Foundations™ training in 2016, I wrote a piece on how I was still working on viewing adults through the same lens as I do children. This is an area I’ve continually reflected and worked on and what I’ve come to realise over the last three years is how much the Educaring® Approach has come to influence my leadership and mentoring style when working with adults.  

Resources for Infant Educarers (widely known as RIE®) offers a way to translate the ideas of respect into action when caring for infants and toddlers. RIE® was founded in 1978 by Magda Gerber and Tom Forrest, who were dedicated to improving the quality of infant care and education around the globe.  The roots of RIE® go back to Hungary in the 1930s, where Magda Gerber worked with paediatrician Dr. Emmi Pikler at Lóczy (also known as the Pikler Institute).  After the second world war, Gerber fled Hungary to the United States and took what she learned from her mentor, Pikler and created the Educaring® Approach which could be used by parents and their children.  Respect and authenticity are the basis of RIE® and the Educaring® Approach, which form an integrated, multilayered approach that balances the need for freedom with the need for secure relationships. It encourages infants and adults to trust each other, learn to problem solve, and embrace the ability for self-discovery.  When allowed to “unfold” in their own way and in their own time, children discover and inspire the best in themselves and in others (Hammond, 2009; Resources for Infant Educarers®, 2020). In Aotearoa, more and more centres are influenced by the work of Magda Gerber and Emmi Pikler and their approaches to being with very young children.  

In 2019, I had the opportunity to work with the Education Council (now Teaching Council of Aotearoa New Zealand) in their Tuakana-Teina Induction and Mentoring pilot programme as a mentor for three provisionally certificated teachers in my local area.  The programme coordinator provided mentor teachers with a guide and some templates to use for initial conversations.  From here, we were able to bring our own style of mentoring into the programme and marry it with the format of the pilot.  Each provisionally certificated teacher was funded for three hours of mentoring each week which included observations, reflective dialogue, support with documentation and reflections.  As a mentor teacher I sent through monthly meeting logs and completed milestone reports quarterly.  This year long opportunity allowed me to examine my own style of mentoring and to further develop it to ensure I was giving my best self to the mentees.

In working with one of the mentees in the programme, the topic of leadership came up and this was something we had a lot of reflective discussions about.  I think it’s important to note that I had known this particular mentee prior to the programme; she had been a student on practicum at a centre where I was working and she now works.  I had observed her journey from student to provisionally certificated teacher and was flattered when she personally requested that I be her mentor  as she worked towards Full Certification.  In discussing the topic of leadership, having been an observer and a player in her teaching journey over the last four years, I encouraged her to think about not only the leaderships styles that she had been exposed to, but also the way each of them made her feel as a teacher.  This was an invitation to reflect on perhaps what her own needs were when it came to leadership, and how these needs may have changed over time; it was also a chance for her to reflect on how her own leadership style was developing and being figured out.  I wanted her to realise that we are all leaders as well as learners even when we aren’t in a position of formal leadership.  As a result, I was also encouraged to reflect on these ideas too.

I strongly believe that the type of leader that each person needs is not universal as we all bring different and unique knowledge, values, experiences and stories with us.  Just like when we work with children, leaders need to get to know the people in their team and figure out how best to reach them in order for them to learn, grow AND to thrive.  As teachers, we recognise the influence we have on young learners, their understanding of the world and the future well being of our society (Education Council, 2017). Sometimes we forget that we are all learners, especially beginning teachers, and so how we lead these kaiako is very critical in the future of our sector. 

In doing some of my own reflecting on leadership, I really started thinking about how, without realizing, I had adopted an Educaring® inspired style to my mentoring.  I wholeheartedly believe that an Educaring® Approach gives children the best start to life, so what if we applied these ideas to teachers as they started their teaching journey?  Would this perhaps give them the best introduction to the profession?  The remainder of this article is a closer examination of each of the principles of an Educaring® Approach and how these could be applied to mentoring and leadership in early childhood settings.

Authenticity
The goal of Educaring® is an authentic child – “one who feels secure, autonomous, competent and connected” (Gerber, 2002, p. 2).  What if our goal for an induction and mentoring programme for a beginning teacher was an authentic teacher – one who feels secure, autonomous, competent and connected?  Magda Gerber (2002) encourages us to help a child feel secure, appreciated, and learn that somebody is deeply and truly interested in them – and through this we influence the way that the child sees life.  How can we do this with a teaching team?  For the first four meetings I had with each mentee, this was my goal – to set the foundations for a positive relationship with each of them.  It was a chance for me to show them that I was deeply and truly interested in them.  I wasn’t there to just teach them how to be a ‘good’ teacher – I was here to walk alongside them and to help them uncover what was already within them.  For me, this comes back to the importance of the relationships.  It was important to me that I dedicated time to getting to know this teacher for who they were and what made them who they are. Relationships are a huge focus for me and the importance of these is echoed heavily throughout Te Whāriki (Ministry of Education, 2017).  I encourage you to always go back to the relationship and focus on this when things aren’t working as well as they could be. 

Basic Trust
Another principle of the Educaring® Approach is basic trust.  It encourages us to “have basic trust in the infant to be an initiator, to be an explorer eager to learn what he is ready for. Because of this trust, we provide the infant with only enough help necessary to allow the child to enjoy mastery of his own actions” (Gerber, 2002, p. 2).  When working with children, I am often reminded of how empowering it is for a small child, to give them this trust.  The same thing happens when we trust an adult - they feel empowered, and they feel more confident knowing that someone believes in them.  I’m working with a teacher at the moment who has recently shared with me how grateful she is that I have trusted her – this reminded me that we must offer basic trust to the teams we work with; by creating a space for adults where it is okay to try things out, to initiate, to explore.  This is so important.  When we make mistakes or we find something challenging, this is often the time we learn and grow the most as we transform our thinking and thus our practice.  The hard part for me was not stepping in and rescuing teachers because it was better for the child.  So how do we ‘allow’ for what we know to be not best practice while still advocating for the children?  For me personally, this was probably the hardest skill to learn – finding that balance between advocating for the children, but also allowing time and space in order to advocate for the growth in the teacher.  It’s important that you create a space where people feel like they can safely make mistakes in order to learn and grow – just like we do for children.

The part of this principle that really makes me ponder how I mentor is the part that reads “Because of this trust, we provide the infant with only enough help necessary to allow the child to enjoy mastery of his own actions.”  The thing that I need to be aware of when wearing my mentoring “hat” is that when faced with a challenge or questions, it’s not up to me to give the mentees all the answers just like it’s not a teacher’s role to give them all to a child.  Instead it is my role to be patient, to listen and to maybe ask questions and reflect with the mentee in order for them to create their own answers guided by their unique set of values and beliefs.  This part of the process is so important and not giving all the answers is key. I’m reminded of the ideas of David Kolb (1984) who discusses the notion that we cannot give someone knowledge, they must make it for themselves.  When we work with children, we know from the research that the process itself of finding the answer is of equal if not more importance.  Sometimes they need to get it not quite right a few times in order to figure it out.  The not getting it right is the best part - they might not have the answer they are after but they have learnt something along the way.  Then they go back to the drawing board, and draw on those same problem-solving skills that we encourage in our youngest children.  When we give people the answers freely, it can result in them not fully understanding the ‘why’ behind their own practice.  If we ask questions and take them almost on a guided reflection, they are able to own it that little bit more. If they see that you don’t always have all the answers, they will also come to realise that success doesn’t live in always knowing.

Sensitive Observation
For me, this is one of the most important aspects of working with children, but also with adults.  Magda Gerber (2002) encourages us to “observe carefully to understand the infants’ communications and his needs. The more we observe, the more we understand and appreciate the enormous amount and speed of learning that happens during the first two or three years of life.  We become more humble, we teach less, and we provide an environment for learning instead” (p. 2). Through this observation we are able to learn and understand where the child is at right now and then plan for their learning accordingly.  When you bring this back to mentoring teachers, this is one of the biggest foci as it is so important to meet the teacher where they are at right now and to grow from there.  There is no point in rushing ahead and sharing with them all the information that you want them to have to set them up on their teaching journey.  A child, and a beginning teacher, can only learn what they are ready for and through observing them closely, we are able be responsive to their needs.  

The other part of this principle that I really like is ‘we provide an environment for learning instead’. As I reflect further on each of the principles, it becomes clear to me that each of these principles and what they offer to an induction and mentoring programme is beautiful.  I am reminded of Magda Gerber’s advice that we “give to the adult what we want them to give to the infant” (Money, personal communication cited in Triulzi, 2009, p. 8).  This links to the ideas relating to the previous principle too which talks about creating a place where it is safe to make mistakes. There are so many opportunities for learning and growth when things don’t go perfectly. 

Caregiving Times
Within the Educaring® Approach, another principle places huge value on the Caregiving Times and looking for ways to involve the child as much as we can during these care activities (Gerber, 2002).   With children, these care activities refer to diapering, feeding, bathing, etc., and Gerber (2002) encourages “even the tiniest infant to become an active participant rather that a passive recipient of these activities” (p. 2).  Within these moments, parents and professional are “encouraged to create opportunities for interaction, cooperation, intimacy and mutual enjoyment by being wholeheartedly with the infant during the time they spend together anyway” (Gerber, 2002, p. 2).  I believe that this is exactly how we should be viewing our opportunities to have individual catch up meetings with beginning teachers.  There is so much value in these moments of full attention, a chance to further connect with teachers and our teams. What if we ensured we weren’t distracted, and we created opportunities for interaction and a two-way conversation, a time to for teachers to share where they are, what’s going well and what they are finding challenging?  What if these meetings with our teachers became something not only they, but we also looked forward to?  This becomes an opportunity too for the mentor to ask questions to help guide teachers toward discovering their own answers and actively contribute to the setting of their own goals.  Refueled by such unhurried, enjoyable 1:1 meetings with each other, this “tops the teachers up” to return to their environment (their learning setting), to get stuck into their role as a teacher.  They are ready to explore within their own uninterrupted time to “play” with freedom to explore and experiment and try to uncover the answers in their own way.  

Environment
The next principle encompasses a lot of what I believe is needed within an induction and mentoring programme – “a safe, challenging, predictable environment” (Gerber, 2002, p. 3).  Our role as the mentor, just like the adult in an infant and toddler space, is to create an environment in which the child (or in the mentor’s case, the mentee) can best do all the things that the child would do naturally (Gerber, 2002).  Magda Gerber (2002) believes “the more predictable an environment is, the easier it is for them to learn” (p. 3).  As teachers gain their confidence, they need a safe and appropriate space to try things out, to make mistakes and give things a go (Gerber, 2002).  Their environment should allow them to thrive as a teacher, not the opposite.  We want beginning teachers to be empowered by their space.  I think this links quite closely with several of the previous principles as each of them influences the environment for learning that we create as mentors and leaders. 

Uninterrupted Play & Freedom to Explore
This emphasis on environments links to the next principle, which is time for uninterrupted play and freedom to explore.  When working within an Educaring® Approach, “[w]e give the infant plenty of time for uninterrupted play.  Instead of trying to teach babies new skills while they play, we appreciate and admire what babies are actually doing” (Gerber, 2002, p. 3).  From my experience in mentoring teachers, when you give people all the answers and tell them what best practice is… then when you are not there continuing to guide them, or move on… it doesn’t stick.  When teacher’s understand the reasons behind their practice, because they have played with the different options through trial and error and been on their own journey of discovery, they create knowledge for themselves and make it their own.  When teachers go through this process, I believe they are more likely to continue this way of being long after they achieve full registration because they have not only experienced the process of getting there, but they have also felt it in their play.  This idea links again to the work of David Kolb (1984) who shares that “Learning is the process whereby knowledge is created through the transformation of experience” (p. 38).

Consistency
And last, but by far not the least, of all these principles is that of consistency; “We establish clearly defined limits and communicate our expectations to develop discipline” (Gerber, 2002, p. 3).  Most people will agree that predictability brings about security and when we know what to expect from the people and relationships around us – we feel safer to be our true authentic selves.  At first, I didn’t feel like this principle needed much explaining when applied to mentoring and leadership but on further reflection, I realised that it is perhaps one of the most important.  In talking with the mentees from the very beginning, we always had a plan, we knew what the following few weeks would look like and what we each needed to do before we would next meet.  There weren’t any surprises and both of us knew what the expectations were.   

The other thing that comes to mind when I think about consistency is in respect to the relationship.  As the programme progressed, I could see that these teachers had come to learn that I was a secure base for them.  They would share with me between meetings when things were going well, and naturally when they were facing challenges too.  Even if it was before a catch-up, they knew that they could always return to the safety of our relationship.  They knew not to expect the answers when they returned, but came to learn and appreciate that I would be alongside them, that I would listen to them and ask questions in a way that might help them to uncover the source of the challenge.  Te Whāriki states “children need consistency and continuity, especially at times of transition.  A foundation of remembered and anticipated people, places, things and experiences will give them the confidence to engage successfully in new settings” (Ministry of Education, 2017, p. 26).  Just like children, teachers need this same foundation as they transition from a student to a beginning teacher, to a fully certificated teacher.  By the time this process is over, these teachers will have formed conceptions of themselves and it is important that we give them the consistent gift of us showing up and believing in them. 

Conclusion: Weaving the Principles
The beauty of these principles is that they are so intertwined – just like the five strands of our early childhood curriculum coming together to weave the whāriki.  When we apply these principles to the way we are with children and adults, they create a solid base for learning and growth to happen.  As Magda Gerber (1998) says, “A respectful beginning is an investment in the future of the relationships between your child and you, your child and other, and in your child’s exploration of the world” (p. 228).  I highly recommend you to put this same investment into your teaching team, your leadership team and furthermore into your induction and mentoring programme. 

Within our teaching and learning journeys, especially at the beginning, we spend so much time thinking about our practice with children. How can we treat them as a unique human being from the beginning?  How can we involve them and encourage them to be a participant?  How can we engage them and encourage them in a way that allows them to be their most authentic selves?  My question for kaiako, and even more importantly the leaders, is this: How are we ensuring that this same respectful practice based primarily around the relationships is being applied to the adults we work alongside?  Especially the beginning teachers we are not only leading, but being alongside as they learn and grow.  It is these teachers who will be the future leaders of the sector; how are we setting them up to succeed?  How are we instilling in our beginning teachers the way to be learners and leaders?  We often lead the way that we have been led ourselves rather than how we were taught to lead – and often we mentor the way that we have been mentored.  It is crucial that we start mentoring our beginning teachers and leading our teams the way that we want them to lead and grow our early childhood sector in the future.  

What leadership and mentoring look like is going to be different in every setting but I hope that the sector is truly able to tap into the ideas that Magda Gerber shares within her Educaring® Approach.  They are echoed within Te Whāriki  and we are already using these principles to underpin our work with children.  If we revisit the quote already discussed that encourages us to give to the adults what we wish them to give to the children – the clue to how we mentor and lead is in our national early childhood curriculum.  Underpinning this document is the vision that children are “[c]ompetent and confident learners and communicators, healthy in mind, body and spirit, secure in their sense of belonging and in the knowledge that they make a valued contribution to society” (Ministry of Education, 2017).  I encourage us once again to allow this vision to also infiltrate your vision for your beginning teachers.  Just as each child is on a unique journey, so too is each teacher, who learns by engaging in meaningful interactions with people, places and things – a process that continues throughout their lifetime (Ministry of Education, 2017).  Let’s think about this when creating induction and mentoring programmes for beginning teachers (and experienced ones too). Let’s make the goal for our teachers to be one who feels “at home in their skin”, knows who they are, and sees their own value.  When respect is the foundation of our interactions and communication with our beginning teachers, we make space for their authentic selves to blossom.  That is the greatest gift we can give to those who will pave the way for early childhood education in Aotearoa in the future. 


References
Education Council New Zealand. (2017). Our code our standards: Code of professional responsibility and standards for the teaching profession Ngā tikanga matatika ngā paerewa: Ngā tikanga matatika mō te haepapa ngaiotanga me ngā paerewa mō te umanga whakaakoranga. Author
Gerber, M. (2002). Dear parent: Caring for infants with respect (2nd ed.). Resources for Infant Educarers.
Gerber, M., & Johnson, A. (2011). Your self-confident baby: How to encourage your child’s natural abilities - from the very start. Wiley.
Hammond, R. A. (2009). Respecting babies: A new look at Magda Gerber’s RIE Approach. ZERO TO THREE.
Kolb, D. A. (1984). Experiential Learning. Prentice Hall. 
Ministry of Education. (2017). Te Whāriki: He whāriki mātauranga mō ngā mokopuna o Aotearoa Early childhood curriculum guidelines. Author.
Resources for Infant Educarers®. (n.d.). Educaring® Approach. https://www.rie.org/educaring/.
Triulzi, M. (2009). Do the Pikler and RIE methods promote infant-parent attachment? [Masters Thesis, Smith College]. https://scholarworks.smith.edu/theses/446/

Helen Lye is an NZITC Board Member and she completed her RIE® Practicum in 2020.

By Elena Marouchos, RIE® Associate
 
“What we teach is ourselves” Magda Gerber’s reminder to slow down, gentle our hands and tone of voice, to wait for children to respond rather than rush in. All elements of respectful care that underpin practice and describe our ways of being but not necessarily our state of mind. Lately I’ve been reflecting well-being from the adult perspective for ‘we are not robots...’ in Enid Elliot’s words. 

In doing so I wonder about the nuances. The messages that we give children, the examples we set, albeit indirectly. The one’s that tell children that in teaching respect we need to respect ourselves too. Not in a selfish way but rather to show its reciprocal nature and in ways that remind children of what it is to be authentic, to know that clear and consistent boundaries will be set .  To quietly and confidently say I won’t read with you right now... I won’t let you hit me... How do I teach respect if I don’t respect myself? If I allow myself to become exhausted, don’t take breaks or allow myself time to regroup, how can I possibly be physically and emotionally be present for children? 

I’ve come to view Magda’s pearls of wisdom as gifts. The value we place on caregiving as language rich moments which fill up a child’s emotional tank. The only goal to bring pleasure to the moment - for both of us. To see these moments as our ‘time with’ children. To linger longer so that children left with the lingering feeling of being loved. Their play - ‘time away’ during which I am free to spend time with another child or to sit back , sensitively observe, learn and enjoy. These are some of the things that I find liberating and I hold onto them dearly.

The RIE® principles, serving as my inner guidelines.  They free us of guilt and remove the pressures to teach, direct or intervene. They serve as a reminder to step in and out of moments with children gracefully. When necessary or if invited rather than to encroach. To offer just enough support and always ready to step back thus giving competency back to the children. 

Creating an environment that is physically safe, cognitively challenging and emotionally nurturing - conditions for learning I suppose.  The child who feels nurtured, will feel more secure in their sense of well-being and belonging and therefore more likely to explore .  It is these things that enrich the child’s experience and foster relationships while making our own jobs more enjoyable. My intellect is teased, my thoughts tantalised by my observations. I am encouraged to reflect and layer my own knowledge in ways that unleash the full potential of the children within my care. My notions of children as competent are challenged by my own comfort zones. Reminders to slow down and observe more but most of all to work on myself. To learn to hold back on impulses to direct, distract or intervene. Relationships with parents and colleagues strengthened by a common desire to know the child. The reward - that children come to view themselves as self learners who are competent and have agency. The notion of children as self- learners and the value we place on uninterrupted play fundamental key to letting go.  

The irony, is that in ‘letting go’ of the notions I had, I found I created more time - for me.  I use this time wisely to organise what might happen next for children, to linger longer with a vulnerable child - the one who is settling, tired, on the periphery or simply just having a hard day.  Once attended to, my time to sit back and sensitively observe with my arms open and mind engaged.

Our vulnerabilities are tested at times for sure. There are natural tensions;. That come from needing to step in as a responsible adult even we are feeling discomfort or emotionally vulnerable. Moments when distracting or re-directing behaviour would knowingly alleviate this tension. But I wonder what we take away from children? Instead we are encouraged to acknowledge a child’s feelings, giving them time to work on their strategies until they become ingrained. 

It is true, while we cannot always leave our ‘baggage’ behind, we need to find ways to set our troubles aside and enter the ‘third space’. Not yours or mine but ours. I take seriously my mentor’s advice to ‘shake my hands’ before entering into moments with children. This as a way to unbusy my mind and a start to understanding what it is to be physically and emotionally present with and for children. These are the nuances I refer to. The notion that we ‘teach’ not only skills but also the values. Honesty, compassion, kindness, forgiveness and generosity. We do so by example and never with force. Instead, we trust that with time, children will come to respond authentically, empathy and integrity. Relationships, therefore the heart of the Approach. Based on mutual trust, honesty and steeped in respect . Relationships that are forged over time rather than fleeting and are empowering for adults and children alike. 
​
Elena Marouchos is a RIE® Associate and an NZITC Board Member. ​

By Helen Lye.

Goodbyes are never easy. I know that even as an adult this is true.  When I really reflect on goodbyes, I don’t think I know anyone that enjoys them. Many of us avoid them or brush them over so that we can avoid being upset or perhaps it’s so that we just aren’t seen to be upset. The questions for me is…is this due to how we viewed goodbyes when we were children or is it just that no matter our age, the feeling of losing something, even temporarily, is something we’d all rather avoid?

When children enter the world, they are dependent on us to have their needs met. The reality of human life is that children have to eventually separate and become their own person. This is a completely normal stage of child development. They become more aware of themselves as a separate human being and of you, the adult, as a separate human being too. Strong, secure attachment relationships are the foundation for children’s well-being. Dr. Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber have advocated this notion for some time.  Brain research over the last two decades also echoes this sentiment. Once these relationships and attachments form in the first year of life, the presence of the person (or people) the child is attached to is important to the child. When it comes to separating from you, they will notice and it can be difficult for a young child due to the fact that they have little sense of time. Adults know how long a separation will last, but a young child doesn’t. All they know is that they are without the people they care the most about.  So how do we support children to understand and cope with separation ensuring that the trust and relationship between the adult and child remains in tact?

The answer is simple; just like most things with children, we support them by allowing them the opportunity to practice it and make sense of it. Until they have the repeated experience of being apart and the parent returning, they don’t know that a separation is only temporary. When we allow the child to practice separating (and with that reuniting), we are allowing them the opportunity to learn coping strategies for the situation. Children need to practice it in order to gain an understanding of it and this takes time. While this answer is simple, the process of this practice can be less so and the practicing of separation doesn’t come without hurt. We aren’t able to shield children from being upset or crying, but we can protect the trust between an adult and child and this trust is what supports the process of separations.  

My advice for separations is to start this learning and this sense of trust from the very beginning and start small. An example could be something as simple as going to the bathroom while in your own home. You tell them you’re going to the bathroom and then you’ll be back and then you go. They might protest or they might not. When you come back and see each other again, they then have the opportunity to begin to understand what that means. The trust between you grows as they learn that when you say you’re going to come back, you do. Eventually, your child will be able to remember that you will always return after you leave. This will be comfort enough while you’re gone. This opportunity allows them to develop coping skills for separation.

When I was in Sacramento earlier this year, observing a Parent-Infant class facilitated by Simone Stave Demarzi, in the discussion after class we talked about this. I remember thinking about the simplicity in the dialogue around such a complex matter. This was really thought provoking for me. There was a parent who in the past would sneak out during the class, and on that day she had told the child. While he had protested, Simone, who allowed him to express his feelings about the separation, supported him. When Mum came back and they were reunited, equilibrium was restored and the class and their exploration continued. 

This example highlighted that while the process of saying goodbye was important and an invaluable learning opportunity for the child; the reunion and how this was approached was of equal if not more importance. Though the separation was a rupture in their relationship, the reuniting is the repair and it is here that the trust and love is built.  According to brain development expert Daniel Siegel, ruptures are inevitable breaks in the nurturing connection with the child. What is important is not that ruptures never occur, but that ruptures are repaired. Repairing ruptures is an essential part of parenting, but also an essential part of all human relationships. Dr. Allan Schore also notes that the ability to repair ruptures is what allows the tolerance of negative affects, such as a separation. Research now shows us that this is where resilience and coping strategies are developed. A child’s resilience grows as they go through stresses, and then they go through the repair.  This allows them to not only make sense through practice, but to also cement the trust in the relationship through the repair.

Simone and I also talked about when adults sneak out without telling their child, they break their trust. That is the hard part for a child and can have an impact on the relationship between the adult and the child.  I have seen this also in an early childhood setting. The child has experienced their parent sneaking away, and from then on, they are on high alert when coming into the space. The trust has been broken so they are then on constant watch for any movements from their parent. They can be reluctant to get fully involved in anything because at the back of their mind, they are wondering if their person might be about to slip away. Even when you have to interrupt your child, saying goodbye is important. We also discussed the importance of practicing going and coming back alongside a supportive carer, someone who will support the child with the same language, compassion and understanding. 

This same idea was discussed in a recent Parent-Infant Guidance™ class with my mentor Sharon Smith; in particular how the process of saying goodbye has to be considered. The separation needs to be approached calmly and slowly. Heading to your child telling them confidently and calmly that you are going to go and who would be here for them and that they would be back. If we approach these moments too quickly, the child can respond very differently. Adults know what we are doing, but children need a little more time to process what you are saying so it’s critical that we slow down and allow children this tarry time.

“Separating and reuniting is what life is all about,” says Magda Gerber, RIE® Founder and if we really reflect on our own lives, this couldn’t be more true. This takes time, space and opportunity to practice it and gain an understanding. Children will get there eventually. Consistency, clarity and confidence can all help ease daily separations between an adult and child which will be a beautiful foundation for when the big separations come later, for example, when your child starts childcare. Be kind to yourself and to your child and just remember that everything gets easier with practice.


​Helen Lye has been an NZITC Board Member since 2016.  She was a NZITC Scholarship recipient in 2016 completing the RIE® Foundations™ with RIE® Associates Sharon Smith and Gail Nadal. She has recently completed her RIE® Practicum™.