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Looking back at 2020...

24/12/2020

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​By Sharon Smith, NZITC Chair and RIE® Associate
​

Tena 
koutou katoa, 
 
2020!! 

It started out very well — another wonderful RIE® Foundations™ course in the heat 
of the summer and then the awesome Auckland seminar at the Jet Park Hotel – little 
did we know that this beautiful venue was to fulfil a different space for the remainder 
of 2020 as a managed isolation hotel. 
 
The world turned upside down and Aotearoa amongst it – leading the way in the 
recovery. That first rahui - It was strange and an unknown experience for most of us 
with a high trust model that we responded to amazingly well. With a genuine vision 
for all our wellbeing, the impact of this pausing was not only beneficial for us as 
people, but also so vital for our planet.  
 
That feeling of stillness and quiet in the world, it was like we were all holding our 
breath. A lot of talk about the new normal and I wonder what will change when we 
are completely out of it and reflect on that time? 
 
The hardest part was not knowing what the outcome might be. I remember feeling at 
ease, having accepted what was needed and then just taking a day at a time, 
enjoying the different rhythm of life – sleeping when I was tired, eating when I was 
hungry, walking and enjoying nature when I felt like it, checking in with those to lift 
our spirit when needed. At a recent parent and infant class I was sharing these ideas 
with the parents – their babies will have this time forever noted in their lives as some 
of them were born during this time. This was their experience of normal.  
 
Magda Gerber reminds us from a 1985 Educaring® article talking about changes in 
general . . . 
“… if our goal is for infants to be able to participate with us in their lives and care, 
they must be able to anticipate changes. A stable, predictable, secure environment is 
the best foundation an infant can have for developing the confidence and self-esteem 
necessary to handle changes in life. . . .  It is easier to cope with major changes if the 
small routines of life remain intact. The foundation remains, we merely remodel the 
house or rearrange the furniture”.  
 
I hope our infants and toddlers can enjoy their life – working to their own rhythm and 
pace with grace and with gratitude for the small and necessary things in life. 
 
While we are still physically separated from the rest of the world who are still coping 
and battling, technology and science is working hard on different ways of 
reconnection.  
 
I am hopeful for 2021 albeit cautious. NZITC will continue to share through our small 
groups in our community forums and through half day seminars around Aotearoa. 
We are looking forward to having you join us again as part of our community and 
your ongoing support is appreciated.  We will continue to do our best to support you too.  
 
A very big thank you to the NZITC board committee for your time, effort and ongoing 
commitment. 
 
Find peace, rest well and enjoy the summer break, give yourself some more time in 
with appreciation for those around you who make life meaningful and fun. 
 
Best wishes, 
Sharon Smith, NZITC Chair
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A story for the ‘quietly struggling’…My silver lining

15/9/2020

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By Elena Marouchos

I began this year with the idea of venturing out on my own but COVID it seems had other plans.  I was in Sydney when the call to close the border came so I found myself on the first plane back home and straight into self-isolation.  


I remember lying in bed one night, struggling with an ear infection on top of a malaise that I had been fighting for the better part of a year.  Every muscle in my body hurt and the pain in my chest was so bad that I uttered a silent prayer that I would wake up the following morning.  I was alone and reached out to a friend letting her know where I had hidden a spare key.  I’ve been alone my whole life but it is the first time I have truly felt lonely…this is my deep dark secret and I’m sharing my story now in the time of covid because many of us are ‘quietly struggling’.  (Aileen Weintraub)

If truth be known, I can’t say I felt anything because I was too busy getting through each day.  On some days even breathing was hard and no I did not have COVID.  The days and the nights blurred.  Phone calls from well intended friends and colleagues sometimes added to the anxiety or pressure I was feeling but about what I can’t exactly say.  One morning I woke up and the pain was gone, it was as if a cloud had lifted.  I could once again think and feel.  The myriad of thoughts about the past and future better left for another time.  What I am thankful for is for the gift that COVID gave me - time.  Time to reflect on what matters, on who I am and who I want to grow into.  

Thanks to COVID I am learning to accept who I am.  I have a better understand of how I self-soothe - other than open a fridge and immerse myself in Turkish TV.  I recognised that I feel better when I am working in and for the communities I live and work in.  I became a personal shopper and was quick to raise my hand to step in and lend a hand at The Learning Centre (TLC) during level three.  These things made me feel more in control of myself and of the day.  Magda Gerber reminds us that we can look at life as a continuation of conflicts or problems. The more often we have mastered a minute difficulty, the more capable we feel the next time.” 
In reaching out to others I have come to know that the ways we self-soothe and self regulate differ.  I listened without judgement and thankful for the honesty I was shown.  If I judged myself by the standards of others I might never have gotten out of bed.  I was not the whirlwind who went through the house cupboard by cupboard, immersing myself with DIY, fixed routine or determinedly driven to run 5KM.  It did make me think about the word ‘normal’ and made me question by whose standards.  Instead I chose to find comfort in the things that brought me joy each day; a cup of coffee on my deck listening to the strains of Caruso or digging up the flower bed at midnight just because I could, most of all listening to the stories of others.

These are the things that fed my soul each day but my struggles at night were different.  I acknowledge that most of the things I was engaged in were just distractions and it was only then that I unpacked the root of the unease I felt.  It was an unfamiliar feeling - this loneliness I speak of.  It was tucked away under the busyness even in the midst of the people I was sometimes surrounded by.  I couldn’t understand it because my life was in essence the same and yet it wasn’t but after much soul searching I came to realise that what I was missing the most - the thing that made life normal for me was JoJo.  My companion for 12 years, my beloved dog who had seen me through the worst and best changes of my life.  The loss of my parents, the move to New Zealand, different career new home and even the transition into and out of a long term relationship.  He was in essence my “transitional object” - the cuddles we give our children to bring comfort.  They are still learning how to draw from within, how to self-soothe and self-regulate and sometimes these things help the transition.  Their familiarity touches the strings of their hearts and triggers memories and or feelings of security.

Aileen Weintraub’s words in a recent Huffington Post article resonated so clearly… “Right now, we are collectively transitioning through a pandemic. Admitting this can be hard. We keep these secrets to ourselves, letting only a select few witness our vulnerabilities. It goes against every cultural norm we have learned to honestly discuss our need for softness and comfort because perhaps by acknowledging it, we are acknowledging our deepest insecurities.”

Make no mistake JoJo in no way replaced the love I felt for my family but they are abroad or the friendships I so value.  He just made my life richer.  He brought meaning and ‘normal’ to my life.  I knew how the days, nights and weekends unfolded because of of him.  After a hard days work, or moments of doubt I had him to cuddle up to.  I regulated my heartbeat with his, my breathing eased just by lying next to him.  He was better than any yoga class in helping me to relax and find peace and solace.  It was this soul searching that led me to Digby, my old man of a white fluff ball, who is a little bit deaf, partially blind and lost all his teeth.  I am so grateful we found each other and before this last lockdown!  What a difference he has made to my soul!  It is joyful again. The competent, capable feeling I have at work now resonates at home.  Yes, I am more productive, while at home but most of all I am happy.  He brings a sense of purpose to my day.  He does not make a sound - truly he has never barked, yet his presence is such that the silence is gone.  He has made my house a home.   The gentleness he brings, stills the flutters of anxiety that linger, even if I do not know quite know what they are.  The purpose that he has brought to my day brings the consistency that we want for children.  He has helped me to once again find the rhythm in my day.  There is a security that comes with knowing how the day will unfold especially during these uncertain times.

This is my ‘deep dark secret’ and I am sharing it now in the hopes of encouraging yours to reflect on yours.  Accepting this part of me led to Digby - my very own silver lining.  Accepting that no matter how strong, confident or successful I may appear, I recognised that I am quietly struggling.  

Magda Gerber talked about the importance of self-acceptance; that we have to accept ourselves  so that we can accept our children, as they are, and encourage them to flourish as their authentic selves.  She reminds us too that the lesson is in the struggle and I am learning much about myself during these times; the triggers, trivial and the convivial but most of all I am learning how to go gently on myself, learning to let go and if I am honest how to hold; to the relationships, the values and memories and most of all that it’s OK to admit to finding comfort from the simple things in life and to be thankful for the blessings along the way.

Reference: I’m a grown woman and I still sleep with a stuffed animal -Aileen Weintraub

Elena Marouchos is a RIE® Associate and an NZITC Board Member.  
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A lesson from lockdown - Learning to slow down

1/8/2020

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By Lucie Kinzett.

After two easy pregnancies and two babies that arrived a couple weeks early, You my darling Alice gave me a whole new understanding for the word patience. Lets throw in a international pandemic and lockdown into the mix as another factor we were faced with. I vividly remember walking (well lets be honest, waddling) the quiet, deserted streets, 39 weeks and three days pregnant, having tried every other trick in the book to get things moving, thinking ‘why are you taking so long?’ ‘Your siblings had been born by now.’ When my mind started drifting off to my studies, my time at RIE® foundations, my beliefs… 
“When they are ready.” “IN time not ON time.”
Every child is different, unique, they do things in their own way in their own time, something I preach to colleagues, friends and parents, so why should this not apply in pregnancy too? After all you are still a living being, just being kept safe and warm until YOU are ready, so why rush and try make you come out when YOU were not ready. I relaxed and stopped trying to make you do something that you were not ready to do. After all a journey earth side after nine (long) months inside needs all the rest and preparation you can get. You were born three days later, right at home, with your family ready to greet you. What a calm but quick entrance you made, born into a very strange time in our world. Our precious lockdown baby.
From the moment you were born I spoke to you, and I listened to you too. I found myself talking about everything that I was going to do, what WE were going to do. I observed, and observed and observed every little response, every movement and sound that you made in our moments together. I watch and keep still as you stare at my face, at the blank white wall, and the crack of light from the slightly open curtain. And I learnt. I came to know that when your legs start kicking alternately that it means you are getting tired, that when you turn your head to the side that you are hungry. The words of Janet Lansburys acted as a guide for me “Diapering, feeding, bathing, and bed time are prime opportunities to deepen the connection that refuels our child’s body and soul.” I cherish these moments just the two of us. I talk to you and wait for your response. The consistency of this approach helps you to know what to expect. You always smile in response to my words letting me know that you hear me. You may not understand my words just yet, but you will soon start to make the connections between my words and my actions.
You never cry except for that moment when you took your first breath in this world. This was strange and new to me after your two siblings who seemed to cry all the time as infants and I never knew what exactly they needed. A few weeks in I realised that by slowing down and observing and really getting to know you I was able to meet your needs before you had to cry out for them. I remember a reading from RIE Foundations referring to a relationship as a dance, “partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a pattern together, and being invisibly nourished by it.” This was us, dancing together through each day, and we took each day as it came, not expecting every day to be the same, but responding to your needs as they presented themselves. 

“What infants need is the opportunity and time to take in and figure out the world around you.” – Magda Gerber.
You are now two months old and much more alert. I make sure to give you your own space too, uncluttered, uninterrupted time on the floor. Time and space unsupported by my arms when I know you are fed, warm, dry and not tired, so that you can feel the ground beneath you, to move your head, arms and legs freely. This is your time to come to trust and feel comfortable in these moments of independence. You are so happy and content at these times. I love watching you take in the world around you. Sometimes you just take everything in with your eyes, lying completely still. Other times I watch as you spend time lifting your legs up and down. Your latest task is lifting them both up and rolling yourself onto your side. Would you have achieved this if I had never given you this freedom and space on the floor? You haven’t quite mastered your arms/hands just yet, but each day I see you working on this. Each day you are faster and more accurate at getting your hands to your mouth or bringing them together and clasping them together. These movements which previously went unnoticed now fill my day and I love watching you unfold and discover your body and the world around you. The wise words from Magda “An infant always learns. The less we interfere with the natural process of learning, the more we can observe how much infants learn all the time.”

For many lockdown was hard, the idea of being cooped up and stuck inside for weeks was scary and I don’t blame them. At first so was I. the thought of being alone without my family and friends to help with the older children and a new baby. I however, chose to find the positive and look at it as a gift. We were given the time and space as a family to have our baby and bond with You. To slow down and really appreciate everything we had, to be in the moment rather than rushing around for school drop offs, appointments, birthday parties etc, or having people over to meet you, and have you passed from person to person. I have always practiced slowing down in my interactions with children, but Lockdown gave me the opportunity to work on this, to slow down even more. That originally scary time in all of our lives is now replaced with all of these other precious memories. 

We still have a long journey ahead of us my girl and I am so excited to watch you continue to unfold in YOUR own time and in YOUR own way. Going forward life is slowly starting to resume the busy hustle and bustle of school and kindy drop offs, coffee groups, playdates and birthday parties. Family and friends are longing to meet you and I am excited to introduce you to them too. Whilst some things like school and kindy drop offs have to happen and coffee groups/play dates are important for myself and your siblings, I am determined to make sure that our quiet days are spent somewhere where I can continue these respectful practices and continue to deepen our relationship. We are lucky that most of our family and friends are familiar with the way we choose to raise you and I am happy to share this with anyone who is not. As you get older I am keen to attend and eventually start up our own parenting group where we can share our journey with other parents, as for now, I am happy to soak up all that you are and watch you blossom. Now at just over 2 months old Alice you are still such a calm, content, and happy baby. I truly credit that to the slower paced life that you were born into and the calm and respectful care you receive that I am so passionate about and have learnt from the RIE approach. 

Lucie Kinzett, a mother of three based in Auckland, New Zealand.  She was a NZITC Scholarship recipient attending RIE® Foundations™ in 2019 with RIE® Associate Sharon Smith.


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Separating and Reuniting - with Respect and Understanding

1/7/2020

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By Helen Lye.

Goodbyes are never easy. I know that even as an adult this is true.  When I really reflect on goodbyes, I don’t think I know anyone that enjoys them. Many of us avoid them or brush them over so that we can avoid being upset or perhaps it’s so that we just aren’t seen to be upset. The questions for me is…is this due to how we viewed goodbyes when we were children or is it just that no matter our age, the feeling of losing something, even temporarily, is something we’d all rather avoid?

When children enter the world, they are dependent on us to have their needs met. The reality of human life is that children have to eventually separate and become their own person. This is a completely normal stage of child development. They become more aware of themselves as a separate human being and of you, the adult, as a separate human being too. Strong, secure attachment relationships are the foundation for children’s well-being. Dr. Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber have advocated this notion for some time.  Brain research over the last two decades also echoes this sentiment. Once these relationships and attachments form in the first year of life, the presence of the person (or people) the child is attached to is important to the child. When it comes to separating from you, they will notice and it can be difficult for a young child due to the fact that they have little sense of time. Adults know how long a separation will last, but a young child doesn’t. All they know is that they are without the people they care the most about.  So how do we support children to understand and cope with separation ensuring that the trust and relationship between the adult and child remains in tact?

The answer is simple; just like most things with children, we support them by allowing them the opportunity to practice it and make sense of it. Until they have the repeated experience of being apart and the parent returning, they don’t know that a separation is only temporary. When we allow the child to practice separating (and with that reuniting), we are allowing them the opportunity to learn coping strategies for the situation. Children need to practice it in order to gain an understanding of it and this takes time. While this answer is simple, the process of this practice can be less so and the practicing of separation doesn’t come without hurt. We aren’t able to shield children from being upset or crying, but we can protect the trust between an adult and child and this trust is what supports the process of separations.  

My advice for separations is to start this learning and this sense of trust from the very beginning and start small. An example could be something as simple as going to the bathroom while in your own home. You tell them you’re going to the bathroom and then you’ll be back and then you go. They might protest or they might not. When you come back and see each other again, they then have the opportunity to begin to understand what that means. The trust between you grows as they learn that when you say you’re going to come back, you do. Eventually, your child will be able to remember that you will always return after you leave. This will be comfort enough while you’re gone. This opportunity allows them to develop coping skills for separation.

When I was in Sacramento earlier this year, observing a Parent-Infant class facilitated by Simone Stave Demarzi, in the discussion after class we talked about this. I remember thinking about the simplicity in the dialogue around such a complex matter. This was really thought provoking for me. There was a parent who in the past would sneak out during the class, and on that day she had told the child. While he had protested, Simone, who allowed him to express his feelings about the separation, supported him. When Mum came back and they were reunited, equilibrium was restored and the class and their exploration continued. 

This example highlighted that while the process of saying goodbye was important and an invaluable learning opportunity for the child; the reunion and how this was approached was of equal if not more importance. Though the separation was a rupture in their relationship, the reuniting is the repair and it is here that the trust and love is built.  According to brain development expert Daniel Siegel, ruptures are inevitable breaks in the nurturing connection with the child. What is important is not that ruptures never occur, but that ruptures are repaired. Repairing ruptures is an essential part of parenting, but also an essential part of all human relationships. Dr. Allan Schore also notes that the ability to repair ruptures is what allows the tolerance of negative affects, such as a separation. Research now shows us that this is where resilience and coping strategies are developed. A child’s resilience grows as they go through stresses, and then they go through the repair.  This allows them to not only make sense through practice, but to also cement the trust in the relationship through the repair.

Simone and I also talked about when adults sneak out without telling their child, they break their trust. That is the hard part for a child and can have an impact on the relationship between the adult and the child.  I have seen this also in an early childhood setting. The child has experienced their parent sneaking away, and from then on, they are on high alert when coming into the space. The trust has been broken so they are then on constant watch for any movements from their parent. They can be reluctant to get fully involved in anything because at the back of their mind, they are wondering if their person might be about to slip away. Even when you have to interrupt your child, saying goodbye is important. We also discussed the importance of practicing going and coming back alongside a supportive carer, someone who will support the child with the same language, compassion and understanding. 

This same idea was discussed in a recent Parent-Infant Guidance™ class with my mentor Sharon Smith; in particular how the process of saying goodbye has to be considered. The separation needs to be approached calmly and slowly. Heading to your child telling them confidently and calmly that you are going to go and who would be here for them and that they would be back. If we approach these moments too quickly, the child can respond very differently. Adults know what we are doing, but children need a little more time to process what you are saying so it’s critical that we slow down and allow children this tarry time.

“Separating and reuniting is what life is all about,” says Magda Gerber, RIE® Founder and if we really reflect on our own lives, this couldn’t be more true. This takes time, space and opportunity to practice it and gain an understanding. Children will get there eventually. Consistency, clarity and confidence can all help ease daily separations between an adult and child which will be a beautiful foundation for when the big separations come later, for example, when your child starts childcare. Be kind to yourself and to your child and just remember that everything gets easier with practice.


​Helen Lye has been an NZITC Board Member since 2016.  She was a NZITC Scholarship recipient in 2016 completing the RIE® Foundations™ with RIE® Associates Sharon Smith and Gail Nadal. She has recently completed her RIE® Practicum™.

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A Letter to your Baby

1/5/2020

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By Sharon Smith

A question from a parent…"I am going back to work soon and am wondering if you can help guide me. What are some of the key things to look for when seeking the 'right' caregiver for your infant?"

Dear Baby,

Soon it will be time for me to go back to work and I have been wondering about the caregiver who will be with you during these times. I want to feel a sense of security from knowing that you are in safe, capable hands. This is incredibly important as I entrust your care and wellbeing into the hands of someone else.

I want to leave you with someone who can feel confident and capable with you. They will respond to you with care and respect. I will need to find out what respect means to this caregiver? What does it look like and what will it feel like for you and this person? How similar or different is it from my idea of what that is?

This won’t be easy of course, and the relationship you will establish with this caregiver, in terms of trust and security will depend on my relationship with this person in terms of trust and security also. This is a big step!

I am going to begin to work out how I can choose this person with an open dialogue. I will want to share my hopes and needs and listen about the experiences this caregiver can share to help me decipher how well we can work together. I want to ensure that I feel there is a goodness of fit in terms of personality for me and with your temperament. I will learn about this person’s childhood, values, the life experiences that they cherish or struggle with.

I will need to find out the types of experience this person has had with similar aged infants and about their child development knowledge? What have been their challenges in the past and what were the memorable moments? What did the caregiver learn about themselves from these experiences? Are they open to new learning and ideas?

I will look at their practical experience in how they care and I will share how I care for you -– as I need to know how this person will actively care for you – feeding a bottle, preparing food, putting you to bed, changing your nappy, bathing you, dressing you, comforting you – all the intimate care moments that serve your needs. How do they value these kinds of experiences?

This will help me understand how you respond to them and support how they get to know you, understand your cues, attune to you, talk with you about what is about to happen, handle your body and give you time and space, to show responsiveness in building their relationship with you. I need to know they can be clear in setting limits, accept your expression of feelings and confident to be emotionally present with you.

They will have a sense of humour as well as a sense of inner calm about them. They will understand about emotional intelligence and not feel overwhelmed by your emotions. They can respect your emotional integrity and communicate sensitively and clearly. The purposeful communication they will have with you is important in how they accept you, see you, hear you and understand that you can communicate with your body and gestures long before you speak.

The caregiver will provide you with recognisable and consistent patterns to the day. They will need to be flexible and comfortable with this kind of predictability to the day.
Our dialogue will help me work out the ease with which we can communicate about things that will come up. I will look for an openness and warmth in our exchanges and the ability to listen and problem solve. This will be important in building our trust with each other. As issues arise I need to know this caregiver can bring it to my attention and we can work through it together. We will need to work out how we effectively communicate about the days and nights and the transitions.

I will want to know that this caregiver appreciates all you can do for yourself and give you the opportunity to participate as much as you can in your care experiences. This will support an unhurried environment and special time in together allowing for full attention. These times together are rich in building the connection and valued as opportunities with each other. With this awareness for emotional refuelling you will be better able to explore and play.

I want you to have time to play, uninterrupted and with freedom to move as you develop and grow over time in a prepared environment. This will mean the caregiver can create a safe and challenging space to allow you to accomplish this. This means the caregiver won’t need to feel that you need to be entertained, to get through the day. The way you are seen and heard is authentic and realistic for your development.

I need this to be an enduring relationship, and their commitment to this family is important. The continuity in your care helps you build healthy stable attachments and supports your future healthy secure relationships.

This caregiver will have integrity in all that they represent. The sensible qualities for trust for the visible and tangible and practical aspects of the relationship require the capacity to be responsive, consistent, reliable and objective; and the more sensitive aspects of trust - the emotional intelligence, and qualities such as empathy, intimacy, and the more intangible dispositional qualities will feature highly in my choice.

I want you to thrive, feel loved through how you are cared for and paid attention to.  The caregiver’s respectful attitude towards you will make a big difference in how you come to see yourself.

Most of all, I want this caregiver to feel a part of this family and enjoy being with you and to share the joy of all that you bring to this world.

​Respectfully,
Sharon Smith
 
Sharon Smith is a RIE® Associate and NZITC Chair.  Based in Auckland, she shares this work through RIE® Certified programs and through her infant and toddler consultancy Magic Child.
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Having my eyes opened to the world of RIE®

1/4/2020

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By Rosalie Sinclair
 
I first heard about RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ classes from a friend when my daughter Fern was around six months old. The timing couldn’t have been better as I was just at the stage where I was questioning if Fern was getting bored and needing some toys to start playing with. My friend explained the use of minimal toys in the class and how the babies are free to interact with what they choose. She also mentioned the wonderful facilitator, who had such a calm and caring manner.
 
Intrigued I sent an email to the facilitator Sharon, requesting more information. I was so intrigued, and the seed had been planted.  I remember staying up late that night watching videos and reading blogs, learning everything I could about RIE® and its’ founder - an exquisite lady with a hard to remember name! The next morning I wrote to Sharon again, sharing how my eyes had been opened to just how wonderful RIE® was and that we simply must come to the classes.  She was delighted and I remember her saying how my message brought a big smile to her face. From there began the complete transformation of myself as a parent and of my relationship with Fern. 
 
I see the difference adopting the Educaring® Approach has made in so many areas of our life. Here are a few examples I’d love to share:
  1. When we first started the classes, I remember always arriving late. Our morning having been a juggle of balancing Fern’s needs and mine to get out the door. There was usually lots of rushing and tears (mainly Fern’s). We would arrive all flustered, and in general I was just cramming too much into our days. Being a part of these classes taught me to slow down, to simplify things. I learnt that I needed to respect Fern’s needs and realised what those truly were! The importance of connecting during care moments and then giving each other some space to simply be. How communication with your baby is vital and that they appreciate being told what is happening or going to happen next. It felt strange at first speaking to such a young baby like an adult, but now I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.
  2. I loved being in the space of the classes every week with no role other than to observe my child for 90 whole minutes. What bliss! It allowed me to see what an incredible being Fern is (not simply just a baby!) and observe the small changes in her development. The Educaring® Approach of allowing your baby’s physical development to happen naturally made a lot of sense to me. But it certainly resulted in lots of questions and comments from curious friends and family as to why I was still laying Fern on her back on the ground at 11 months old. Fern has been so content at each stage, only moving on when she feels ready and has built up the adequate strength. There were a few times where my patience was tested and societal norms were starting to get the better of me, but I’m so glad I persisted. The rewards have been evident in the strength and coordination she has, and how she knows the capability and limits of her own body so well. 
  3. Mutual respect - a revelation I had a few months ago around this was that I was doing a lot of talking at Fern. I changed this by taking a few more seconds to get down to her level, actually look her in the eye and then communicating the message. Boy was I amazed by the difference this made! She was so much more willing to comply with my requests. I also learnt here the importance of waiting patiently and giving her a few moments to process what I’ve said. As well I try as much as possible to let her make the decisions and have autonomy at appropriate moments, so when it’s my turn to be in charge she’s happier to cooperate. 
  4. Growing up I learnt to hide my emotions (well the ‘negative’ ones at least) as I think a lot of us did. This meant the Educaring® Approach of allowing instead of suppressing all emotions was quite a challenge for me. I was determined however for my daughter to know that it is okay for her to share however she’s feeling. That I won’t try and fix her or distract her out of it, but instead guide her with how to express those emotions safely. I believe this is a much healthier release instead of keeping those feelings bottled up inside. Again this is something I often get odd looks about as to why I’m not in a frenzy hugging and swaying and shushing Fern to stop her crying when she’s hurt or upset. Instead I show her that I’m there for her and observe carefully to see what she needs at that moment.
  5. The Educaring® Approach opened my eyes to the fact that as a parent you don’t just set boundaries because you’re the boss and know best. You set them because a toddler who is learning to understand the complicated world around them needs those boundaries to feel safe. They’re going to test and test to find out where they are, and if met with no resistance will end up confused and not knowing what to do with all that power. It’s also important for us as parents to model setting our own limits so our children will be able to do the same. This is again where showing respect is so important - there’s no need to trick and coerce your child into doing things. Instead be truthful, while also being prepared that there’s a good chance they might not be happy with what you’ve just said. But again your role is to allow those emotions to come, acknowledge them, and then follow through with what you’ve said. 
 
I am extremely grateful to have discovered RIE® and the Educaring® Approach.  I want to say a special thanks to Sharon and her practicum students who do such a wonderful job modelling and re-inspiring me in class. Fern is now 19 months old and I’m still learning something new every week! 
 
Rosalie Sinclair has been attending RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ Classes with her daughter Fern for the past five terms.  She has a wonderful podcast called The Crunchy Mama if you would like to hear more.
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