By Helen Lye

In recent years, mentoring has become one of my passions and an enjoyable area of my own teaching and learning journey. I view mentoring as an opportunity to share from my own kete of knowledge and experiences; but also an opportunity to learn more from others and more about myself.  

After attending a Summer Course at the Pikler Institute in Budapest, I had the revelation that Dr. Emmi Pikler’s ideas weren’t just about working with children; they provided a way of being in relationship with everyone in our lives.  When I realised this, it was my ‘aha’ moment - the turning point for  all the relationships in my life. Over the years, it has become abundantly clear that this is a way of being, and not just something that I bring to my teaching practice with infants and toddlers.  When I completed the RIE® Foundations™ training in 2016, I wrote a piece on how I was still working on viewing adults through the same lens as I do children. This is an area I’ve continually reflected and worked on and what I’ve come to realise over the last three years is how much the Educaring® Approach has come to influence my leadership and mentoring style when working with adults.  

Resources for Infant Educarers (widely known as RIE®) offers a way to translate the ideas of respect into action when caring for infants and toddlers. RIE® was founded in 1978 by Magda Gerber and Tom Forrest, who were dedicated to improving the quality of infant care and education around the globe.  The roots of RIE® go back to Hungary in the 1930s, where Magda Gerber worked with paediatrician Dr. Emmi Pikler at Lóczy (also known as the Pikler Institute).  After the second world war, Gerber fled Hungary to the United States and took what she learned from her mentor, Pikler and created the Educaring® Approach which could be used by parents and their children.  Respect and authenticity are the basis of RIE® and the Educaring® Approach, which form an integrated, multilayered approach that balances the need for freedom with the need for secure relationships. It encourages infants and adults to trust each other, learn to problem solve, and embrace the ability for self-discovery.  When allowed to “unfold” in their own way and in their own time, children discover and inspire the best in themselves and in others (Hammond, 2009; Resources for Infant Educarers®, 2020). In Aotearoa, more and more centres are influenced by the work of Magda Gerber and Emmi Pikler and their approaches to being with very young children.  

In 2019, I had the opportunity to work with the Education Council (now Teaching Council of Aotearoa New Zealand) in their Tuakana-Teina Induction and Mentoring pilot programme as a mentor for three provisionally certificated teachers in my local area.  The programme coordinator provided mentor teachers with a guide and some templates to use for initial conversations.  From here, we were able to bring our own style of mentoring into the programme and marry it with the format of the pilot.  Each provisionally certificated teacher was funded for three hours of mentoring each week which included observations, reflective dialogue, support with documentation and reflections.  As a mentor teacher I sent through monthly meeting logs and completed milestone reports quarterly.  This year long opportunity allowed me to examine my own style of mentoring and to further develop it to ensure I was giving my best self to the mentees.

In working with one of the mentees in the programme, the topic of leadership came up and this was something we had a lot of reflective discussions about.  I think it’s important to note that I had known this particular mentee prior to the programme; she had been a student on practicum at a centre where I was working and she now works.  I had observed her journey from student to provisionally certificated teacher and was flattered when she personally requested that I be her mentor  as she worked towards Full Certification.  In discussing the topic of leadership, having been an observer and a player in her teaching journey over the last four years, I encouraged her to think about not only the leaderships styles that she had been exposed to, but also the way each of them made her feel as a teacher.  This was an invitation to reflect on perhaps what her own needs were when it came to leadership, and how these needs may have changed over time; it was also a chance for her to reflect on how her own leadership style was developing and being figured out.  I wanted her to realise that we are all leaders as well as learners even when we aren’t in a position of formal leadership.  As a result, I was also encouraged to reflect on these ideas too.

I strongly believe that the type of leader that each person needs is not universal as we all bring different and unique knowledge, values, experiences and stories with us.  Just like when we work with children, leaders need to get to know the people in their team and figure out how best to reach them in order for them to learn, grow AND to thrive.  As teachers, we recognise the influence we have on young learners, their understanding of the world and the future well being of our society (Education Council, 2017). Sometimes we forget that we are all learners, especially beginning teachers, and so how we lead these kaiako is very critical in the future of our sector. 

In doing some of my own reflecting on leadership, I really started thinking about how, without realizing, I had adopted an Educaring® inspired style to my mentoring.  I wholeheartedly believe that an Educaring® Approach gives children the best start to life, so what if we applied these ideas to teachers as they started their teaching journey?  Would this perhaps give them the best introduction to the profession?  The remainder of this article is a closer examination of each of the principles of an Educaring® Approach and how these could be applied to mentoring and leadership in early childhood settings.

Authenticity
The goal of Educaring® is an authentic child – “one who feels secure, autonomous, competent and connected” (Gerber, 2002, p. 2).  What if our goal for an induction and mentoring programme for a beginning teacher was an authentic teacher – one who feels secure, autonomous, competent and connected?  Magda Gerber (2002) encourages us to help a child feel secure, appreciated, and learn that somebody is deeply and truly interested in them – and through this we influence the way that the child sees life.  How can we do this with a teaching team?  For the first four meetings I had with each mentee, this was my goal – to set the foundations for a positive relationship with each of them.  It was a chance for me to show them that I was deeply and truly interested in them.  I wasn’t there to just teach them how to be a ‘good’ teacher – I was here to walk alongside them and to help them uncover what was already within them.  For me, this comes back to the importance of the relationships.  It was important to me that I dedicated time to getting to know this teacher for who they were and what made them who they are. Relationships are a huge focus for me and the importance of these is echoed heavily throughout Te Whāriki (Ministry of Education, 2017).  I encourage you to always go back to the relationship and focus on this when things aren’t working as well as they could be. 

Basic Trust
Another principle of the Educaring® Approach is basic trust.  It encourages us to “have basic trust in the infant to be an initiator, to be an explorer eager to learn what he is ready for. Because of this trust, we provide the infant with only enough help necessary to allow the child to enjoy mastery of his own actions” (Gerber, 2002, p. 2).  When working with children, I am often reminded of how empowering it is for a small child, to give them this trust.  The same thing happens when we trust an adult - they feel empowered, and they feel more confident knowing that someone believes in them.  I’m working with a teacher at the moment who has recently shared with me how grateful she is that I have trusted her – this reminded me that we must offer basic trust to the teams we work with; by creating a space for adults where it is okay to try things out, to initiate, to explore.  This is so important.  When we make mistakes or we find something challenging, this is often the time we learn and grow the most as we transform our thinking and thus our practice.  The hard part for me was not stepping in and rescuing teachers because it was better for the child.  So how do we ‘allow’ for what we know to be not best practice while still advocating for the children?  For me personally, this was probably the hardest skill to learn – finding that balance between advocating for the children, but also allowing time and space in order to advocate for the growth in the teacher.  It’s important that you create a space where people feel like they can safely make mistakes in order to learn and grow – just like we do for children.

The part of this principle that really makes me ponder how I mentor is the part that reads “Because of this trust, we provide the infant with only enough help necessary to allow the child to enjoy mastery of his own actions.”  The thing that I need to be aware of when wearing my mentoring “hat” is that when faced with a challenge or questions, it’s not up to me to give the mentees all the answers just like it’s not a teacher’s role to give them all to a child.  Instead it is my role to be patient, to listen and to maybe ask questions and reflect with the mentee in order for them to create their own answers guided by their unique set of values and beliefs.  This part of the process is so important and not giving all the answers is key. I’m reminded of the ideas of David Kolb (1984) who discusses the notion that we cannot give someone knowledge, they must make it for themselves.  When we work with children, we know from the research that the process itself of finding the answer is of equal if not more importance.  Sometimes they need to get it not quite right a few times in order to figure it out.  The not getting it right is the best part - they might not have the answer they are after but they have learnt something along the way.  Then they go back to the drawing board, and draw on those same problem-solving skills that we encourage in our youngest children.  When we give people the answers freely, it can result in them not fully understanding the ‘why’ behind their own practice.  If we ask questions and take them almost on a guided reflection, they are able to own it that little bit more. If they see that you don’t always have all the answers, they will also come to realise that success doesn’t live in always knowing.

Sensitive Observation
For me, this is one of the most important aspects of working with children, but also with adults.  Magda Gerber (2002) encourages us to “observe carefully to understand the infants’ communications and his needs. The more we observe, the more we understand and appreciate the enormous amount and speed of learning that happens during the first two or three years of life.  We become more humble, we teach less, and we provide an environment for learning instead” (p. 2). Through this observation we are able to learn and understand where the child is at right now and then plan for their learning accordingly.  When you bring this back to mentoring teachers, this is one of the biggest foci as it is so important to meet the teacher where they are at right now and to grow from there.  There is no point in rushing ahead and sharing with them all the information that you want them to have to set them up on their teaching journey.  A child, and a beginning teacher, can only learn what they are ready for and through observing them closely, we are able be responsive to their needs.  

The other part of this principle that I really like is ‘we provide an environment for learning instead’. As I reflect further on each of the principles, it becomes clear to me that each of these principles and what they offer to an induction and mentoring programme is beautiful.  I am reminded of Magda Gerber’s advice that we “give to the adult what we want them to give to the infant” (Money, personal communication cited in Triulzi, 2009, p. 8).  This links to the ideas relating to the previous principle too which talks about creating a place where it is safe to make mistakes. There are so many opportunities for learning and growth when things don’t go perfectly. 

Caregiving Times
Within the Educaring® Approach, another principle places huge value on the Caregiving Times and looking for ways to involve the child as much as we can during these care activities (Gerber, 2002).   With children, these care activities refer to diapering, feeding, bathing, etc., and Gerber (2002) encourages “even the tiniest infant to become an active participant rather that a passive recipient of these activities” (p. 2).  Within these moments, parents and professional are “encouraged to create opportunities for interaction, cooperation, intimacy and mutual enjoyment by being wholeheartedly with the infant during the time they spend together anyway” (Gerber, 2002, p. 2).  I believe that this is exactly how we should be viewing our opportunities to have individual catch up meetings with beginning teachers.  There is so much value in these moments of full attention, a chance to further connect with teachers and our teams. What if we ensured we weren’t distracted, and we created opportunities for interaction and a two-way conversation, a time to for teachers to share where they are, what’s going well and what they are finding challenging?  What if these meetings with our teachers became something not only they, but we also looked forward to?  This becomes an opportunity too for the mentor to ask questions to help guide teachers toward discovering their own answers and actively contribute to the setting of their own goals.  Refueled by such unhurried, enjoyable 1:1 meetings with each other, this “tops the teachers up” to return to their environment (their learning setting), to get stuck into their role as a teacher.  They are ready to explore within their own uninterrupted time to “play” with freedom to explore and experiment and try to uncover the answers in their own way.  

Environment
The next principle encompasses a lot of what I believe is needed within an induction and mentoring programme – “a safe, challenging, predictable environment” (Gerber, 2002, p. 3).  Our role as the mentor, just like the adult in an infant and toddler space, is to create an environment in which the child (or in the mentor’s case, the mentee) can best do all the things that the child would do naturally (Gerber, 2002).  Magda Gerber (2002) believes “the more predictable an environment is, the easier it is for them to learn” (p. 3).  As teachers gain their confidence, they need a safe and appropriate space to try things out, to make mistakes and give things a go (Gerber, 2002).  Their environment should allow them to thrive as a teacher, not the opposite.  We want beginning teachers to be empowered by their space.  I think this links quite closely with several of the previous principles as each of them influences the environment for learning that we create as mentors and leaders. 

Uninterrupted Play & Freedom to Explore
This emphasis on environments links to the next principle, which is time for uninterrupted play and freedom to explore.  When working within an Educaring® Approach, “[w]e give the infant plenty of time for uninterrupted play.  Instead of trying to teach babies new skills while they play, we appreciate and admire what babies are actually doing” (Gerber, 2002, p. 3).  From my experience in mentoring teachers, when you give people all the answers and tell them what best practice is… then when you are not there continuing to guide them, or move on… it doesn’t stick.  When teacher’s understand the reasons behind their practice, because they have played with the different options through trial and error and been on their own journey of discovery, they create knowledge for themselves and make it their own.  When teachers go through this process, I believe they are more likely to continue this way of being long after they achieve full registration because they have not only experienced the process of getting there, but they have also felt it in their play.  This idea links again to the work of David Kolb (1984) who shares that “Learning is the process whereby knowledge is created through the transformation of experience” (p. 38).

Consistency
And last, but by far not the least, of all these principles is that of consistency; “We establish clearly defined limits and communicate our expectations to develop discipline” (Gerber, 2002, p. 3).  Most people will agree that predictability brings about security and when we know what to expect from the people and relationships around us – we feel safer to be our true authentic selves.  At first, I didn’t feel like this principle needed much explaining when applied to mentoring and leadership but on further reflection, I realised that it is perhaps one of the most important.  In talking with the mentees from the very beginning, we always had a plan, we knew what the following few weeks would look like and what we each needed to do before we would next meet.  There weren’t any surprises and both of us knew what the expectations were.   

The other thing that comes to mind when I think about consistency is in respect to the relationship.  As the programme progressed, I could see that these teachers had come to learn that I was a secure base for them.  They would share with me between meetings when things were going well, and naturally when they were facing challenges too.  Even if it was before a catch-up, they knew that they could always return to the safety of our relationship.  They knew not to expect the answers when they returned, but came to learn and appreciate that I would be alongside them, that I would listen to them and ask questions in a way that might help them to uncover the source of the challenge.  Te Whāriki states “children need consistency and continuity, especially at times of transition.  A foundation of remembered and anticipated people, places, things and experiences will give them the confidence to engage successfully in new settings” (Ministry of Education, 2017, p. 26).  Just like children, teachers need this same foundation as they transition from a student to a beginning teacher, to a fully certificated teacher.  By the time this process is over, these teachers will have formed conceptions of themselves and it is important that we give them the consistent gift of us showing up and believing in them. 

Conclusion: Weaving the Principles
The beauty of these principles is that they are so intertwined – just like the five strands of our early childhood curriculum coming together to weave the whāriki.  When we apply these principles to the way we are with children and adults, they create a solid base for learning and growth to happen.  As Magda Gerber (1998) says, “A respectful beginning is an investment in the future of the relationships between your child and you, your child and other, and in your child’s exploration of the world” (p. 228).  I highly recommend you to put this same investment into your teaching team, your leadership team and furthermore into your induction and mentoring programme. 

Within our teaching and learning journeys, especially at the beginning, we spend so much time thinking about our practice with children. How can we treat them as a unique human being from the beginning?  How can we involve them and encourage them to be a participant?  How can we engage them and encourage them in a way that allows them to be their most authentic selves?  My question for kaiako, and even more importantly the leaders, is this: How are we ensuring that this same respectful practice based primarily around the relationships is being applied to the adults we work alongside?  Especially the beginning teachers we are not only leading, but being alongside as they learn and grow.  It is these teachers who will be the future leaders of the sector; how are we setting them up to succeed?  How are we instilling in our beginning teachers the way to be learners and leaders?  We often lead the way that we have been led ourselves rather than how we were taught to lead – and often we mentor the way that we have been mentored.  It is crucial that we start mentoring our beginning teachers and leading our teams the way that we want them to lead and grow our early childhood sector in the future.  

What leadership and mentoring look like is going to be different in every setting but I hope that the sector is truly able to tap into the ideas that Magda Gerber shares within her Educaring® Approach.  They are echoed within Te Whāriki  and we are already using these principles to underpin our work with children.  If we revisit the quote already discussed that encourages us to give to the adults what we wish them to give to the children – the clue to how we mentor and lead is in our national early childhood curriculum.  Underpinning this document is the vision that children are “[c]ompetent and confident learners and communicators, healthy in mind, body and spirit, secure in their sense of belonging and in the knowledge that they make a valued contribution to society” (Ministry of Education, 2017).  I encourage us once again to allow this vision to also infiltrate your vision for your beginning teachers.  Just as each child is on a unique journey, so too is each teacher, who learns by engaging in meaningful interactions with people, places and things – a process that continues throughout their lifetime (Ministry of Education, 2017).  Let’s think about this when creating induction and mentoring programmes for beginning teachers (and experienced ones too). Let’s make the goal for our teachers to be one who feels “at home in their skin”, knows who they are, and sees their own value.  When respect is the foundation of our interactions and communication with our beginning teachers, we make space for their authentic selves to blossom.  That is the greatest gift we can give to those who will pave the way for early childhood education in Aotearoa in the future. 


References
Education Council New Zealand. (2017). Our code our standards: Code of professional responsibility and standards for the teaching profession Ngā tikanga matatika ngā paerewa: Ngā tikanga matatika mō te haepapa ngaiotanga me ngā paerewa mō te umanga whakaakoranga. Author
Gerber, M. (2002). Dear parent: Caring for infants with respect (2nd ed.). Resources for Infant Educarers.
Gerber, M., & Johnson, A. (2011). Your self-confident baby: How to encourage your child’s natural abilities - from the very start. Wiley.
Hammond, R. A. (2009). Respecting babies: A new look at Magda Gerber’s RIE Approach. ZERO TO THREE.
Kolb, D. A. (1984). Experiential Learning. Prentice Hall. 
Ministry of Education. (2017). Te Whāriki: He whāriki mātauranga mō ngā mokopuna o Aotearoa Early childhood curriculum guidelines. Author.
Resources for Infant Educarers®. (n.d.). Educaring® Approach. https://www.rie.org/educaring/.
Triulzi, M. (2009). Do the Pikler and RIE methods promote infant-parent attachment? [Masters Thesis, Smith College]. https://scholarworks.smith.edu/theses/446/

Helen Lye is an NZITC Board Member and she completed her RIE® Practicum in 2020.

By Elena Marouchos, RIE® Associate
 
“What we teach is ourselves” Magda Gerber’s reminder to slow down, gentle our hands and tone of voice, to wait for children to respond rather than rush in. All elements of respectful care that underpin practice and describe our ways of being but not necessarily our state of mind. Lately I’ve been reflecting well-being from the adult perspective for ‘we are not robots...’ in Enid Elliot’s words. 

In doing so I wonder about the nuances. The messages that we give children, the examples we set, albeit indirectly. The one’s that tell children that in teaching respect we need to respect ourselves too. Not in a selfish way but rather to show its reciprocal nature and in ways that remind children of what it is to be authentic, to know that clear and consistent boundaries will be set .  To quietly and confidently say I won’t read with you right now... I won’t let you hit me... How do I teach respect if I don’t respect myself? If I allow myself to become exhausted, don’t take breaks or allow myself time to regroup, how can I possibly be physically and emotionally be present for children? 

I’ve come to view Magda’s pearls of wisdom as gifts. The value we place on caregiving as language rich moments which fill up a child’s emotional tank. The only goal to bring pleasure to the moment - for both of us. To see these moments as our ‘time with’ children. To linger longer so that children left with the lingering feeling of being loved. Their play - ‘time away’ during which I am free to spend time with another child or to sit back , sensitively observe, learn and enjoy. These are some of the things that I find liberating and I hold onto them dearly.

The RIE® principles, serving as my inner guidelines.  They free us of guilt and remove the pressures to teach, direct or intervene. They serve as a reminder to step in and out of moments with children gracefully. When necessary or if invited rather than to encroach. To offer just enough support and always ready to step back thus giving competency back to the children. 

Creating an environment that is physically safe, cognitively challenging and emotionally nurturing - conditions for learning I suppose.  The child who feels nurtured, will feel more secure in their sense of well-being and belonging and therefore more likely to explore .  It is these things that enrich the child’s experience and foster relationships while making our own jobs more enjoyable. My intellect is teased, my thoughts tantalised by my observations. I am encouraged to reflect and layer my own knowledge in ways that unleash the full potential of the children within my care. My notions of children as competent are challenged by my own comfort zones. Reminders to slow down and observe more but most of all to work on myself. To learn to hold back on impulses to direct, distract or intervene. Relationships with parents and colleagues strengthened by a common desire to know the child. The reward - that children come to view themselves as self learners who are competent and have agency. The notion of children as self- learners and the value we place on uninterrupted play fundamental key to letting go.  

The irony, is that in ‘letting go’ of the notions I had, I found I created more time - for me.  I use this time wisely to organise what might happen next for children, to linger longer with a vulnerable child - the one who is settling, tired, on the periphery or simply just having a hard day.  Once attended to, my time to sit back and sensitively observe with my arms open and mind engaged.

Our vulnerabilities are tested at times for sure. There are natural tensions;. That come from needing to step in as a responsible adult even we are feeling discomfort or emotionally vulnerable. Moments when distracting or re-directing behaviour would knowingly alleviate this tension. But I wonder what we take away from children? Instead we are encouraged to acknowledge a child’s feelings, giving them time to work on their strategies until they become ingrained. 

It is true, while we cannot always leave our ‘baggage’ behind, we need to find ways to set our troubles aside and enter the ‘third space’. Not yours or mine but ours. I take seriously my mentor’s advice to ‘shake my hands’ before entering into moments with children. This as a way to unbusy my mind and a start to understanding what it is to be physically and emotionally present with and for children. These are the nuances I refer to. The notion that we ‘teach’ not only skills but also the values. Honesty, compassion, kindness, forgiveness and generosity. We do so by example and never with force. Instead, we trust that with time, children will come to respond authentically, empathy and integrity. Relationships, therefore the heart of the Approach. Based on mutual trust, honesty and steeped in respect . Relationships that are forged over time rather than fleeting and are empowering for adults and children alike. 
​
Elena Marouchos is a RIE® Associate and an NZITC Board Member. ​

By Helen Lye.

Goodbyes are never easy. I know that even as an adult this is true.  When I really reflect on goodbyes, I don’t think I know anyone that enjoys them. Many of us avoid them or brush them over so that we can avoid being upset or perhaps it’s so that we just aren’t seen to be upset. The questions for me is…is this due to how we viewed goodbyes when we were children or is it just that no matter our age, the feeling of losing something, even temporarily, is something we’d all rather avoid?

When children enter the world, they are dependent on us to have their needs met. The reality of human life is that children have to eventually separate and become their own person. This is a completely normal stage of child development. They become more aware of themselves as a separate human being and of you, the adult, as a separate human being too. Strong, secure attachment relationships are the foundation for children’s well-being. Dr. Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber have advocated this notion for some time.  Brain research over the last two decades also echoes this sentiment. Once these relationships and attachments form in the first year of life, the presence of the person (or people) the child is attached to is important to the child. When it comes to separating from you, they will notice and it can be difficult for a young child due to the fact that they have little sense of time. Adults know how long a separation will last, but a young child doesn’t. All they know is that they are without the people they care the most about.  So how do we support children to understand and cope with separation ensuring that the trust and relationship between the adult and child remains in tact?

The answer is simple; just like most things with children, we support them by allowing them the opportunity to practice it and make sense of it. Until they have the repeated experience of being apart and the parent returning, they don’t know that a separation is only temporary. When we allow the child to practice separating (and with that reuniting), we are allowing them the opportunity to learn coping strategies for the situation. Children need to practice it in order to gain an understanding of it and this takes time. While this answer is simple, the process of this practice can be less so and the practicing of separation doesn’t come without hurt. We aren’t able to shield children from being upset or crying, but we can protect the trust between an adult and child and this trust is what supports the process of separations.  

My advice for separations is to start this learning and this sense of trust from the very beginning and start small. An example could be something as simple as going to the bathroom while in your own home. You tell them you’re going to the bathroom and then you’ll be back and then you go. They might protest or they might not. When you come back and see each other again, they then have the opportunity to begin to understand what that means. The trust between you grows as they learn that when you say you’re going to come back, you do. Eventually, your child will be able to remember that you will always return after you leave. This will be comfort enough while you’re gone. This opportunity allows them to develop coping skills for separation.

When I was in Sacramento earlier this year, observing a Parent-Infant class facilitated by Simone Stave Demarzi, in the discussion after class we talked about this. I remember thinking about the simplicity in the dialogue around such a complex matter. This was really thought provoking for me. There was a parent who in the past would sneak out during the class, and on that day she had told the child. While he had protested, Simone, who allowed him to express his feelings about the separation, supported him. When Mum came back and they were reunited, equilibrium was restored and the class and their exploration continued. 

This example highlighted that while the process of saying goodbye was important and an invaluable learning opportunity for the child; the reunion and how this was approached was of equal if not more importance. Though the separation was a rupture in their relationship, the reuniting is the repair and it is here that the trust and love is built.  According to brain development expert Daniel Siegel, ruptures are inevitable breaks in the nurturing connection with the child. What is important is not that ruptures never occur, but that ruptures are repaired. Repairing ruptures is an essential part of parenting, but also an essential part of all human relationships. Dr. Allan Schore also notes that the ability to repair ruptures is what allows the tolerance of negative affects, such as a separation. Research now shows us that this is where resilience and coping strategies are developed. A child’s resilience grows as they go through stresses, and then they go through the repair.  This allows them to not only make sense through practice, but to also cement the trust in the relationship through the repair.

Simone and I also talked about when adults sneak out without telling their child, they break their trust. That is the hard part for a child and can have an impact on the relationship between the adult and the child.  I have seen this also in an early childhood setting. The child has experienced their parent sneaking away, and from then on, they are on high alert when coming into the space. The trust has been broken so they are then on constant watch for any movements from their parent. They can be reluctant to get fully involved in anything because at the back of their mind, they are wondering if their person might be about to slip away. Even when you have to interrupt your child, saying goodbye is important. We also discussed the importance of practicing going and coming back alongside a supportive carer, someone who will support the child with the same language, compassion and understanding. 

This same idea was discussed in a recent Parent-Infant Guidance™ class with my mentor Sharon Smith; in particular how the process of saying goodbye has to be considered. The separation needs to be approached calmly and slowly. Heading to your child telling them confidently and calmly that you are going to go and who would be here for them and that they would be back. If we approach these moments too quickly, the child can respond very differently. Adults know what we are doing, but children need a little more time to process what you are saying so it’s critical that we slow down and allow children this tarry time.

“Separating and reuniting is what life is all about,” says Magda Gerber, RIE® Founder and if we really reflect on our own lives, this couldn’t be more true. This takes time, space and opportunity to practice it and gain an understanding. Children will get there eventually. Consistency, clarity and confidence can all help ease daily separations between an adult and child which will be a beautiful foundation for when the big separations come later, for example, when your child starts childcare. Be kind to yourself and to your child and just remember that everything gets easier with practice.


​Helen Lye has been an NZITC Board Member since 2016.  She was a NZITC Scholarship recipient in 2016 completing the RIE® Foundations™ with RIE® Associates Sharon Smith and Gail Nadal. She has recently completed her RIE® Practicum™.

By Sharon Smith

A question from a parent…"I am going back to work soon and am wondering if you can help guide me. What are some of the key things to look for when seeking the 'right' caregiver for your infant?"

Dear Baby,

Soon it will be time for me to go back to work and I have been wondering about the caregiver who will be with you during these times. I want to feel a sense of security from knowing that you are in safe, capable hands. This is incredibly important as I entrust your care and wellbeing into the hands of someone else.

I want to leave you with someone who can feel confident and capable with you. They will respond to you with care and respect. I will need to find out what respect means to this caregiver? What does it look like and what will it feel like for you and this person? How similar or different is it from my idea of what that is?

This won’t be easy of course, and the relationship you will establish with this caregiver, in terms of trust and security will depend on my relationship with this person in terms of trust and security also. This is a big step!

I am going to begin to work out how I can choose this person with an open dialogue. I will want to share my hopes and needs and listen about the experiences this caregiver can share to help me decipher how well we can work together. I want to ensure that I feel there is a goodness of fit in terms of personality for me and with your temperament. I will learn about this person’s childhood, values, the life experiences that they cherish or struggle with.

I will need to find out the types of experience this person has had with similar aged infants and about their child development knowledge? What have been their challenges in the past and what were the memorable moments? What did the caregiver learn about themselves from these experiences? Are they open to new learning and ideas?

I will look at their practical experience in how they care and I will share how I care for you -– as I need to know how this person will actively care for you – feeding a bottle, preparing food, putting you to bed, changing your nappy, bathing you, dressing you, comforting you – all the intimate care moments that serve your needs. How do they value these kinds of experiences?

This will help me understand how you respond to them and support how they get to know you, understand your cues, attune to you, talk with you about what is about to happen, handle your body and give you time and space, to show responsiveness in building their relationship with you. I need to know they can be clear in setting limits, accept your expression of feelings and confident to be emotionally present with you.

They will have a sense of humour as well as a sense of inner calm about them. They will understand about emotional intelligence and not feel overwhelmed by your emotions. They can respect your emotional integrity and communicate sensitively and clearly. The purposeful communication they will have with you is important in how they accept you, see you, hear you and understand that you can communicate with your body and gestures long before you speak.

The caregiver will provide you with recognisable and consistent patterns to the day. They will need to be flexible and comfortable with this kind of predictability to the day.
Our dialogue will help me work out the ease with which we can communicate about things that will come up. I will look for an openness and warmth in our exchanges and the ability to listen and problem solve. This will be important in building our trust with each other. As issues arise I need to know this caregiver can bring it to my attention and we can work through it together. We will need to work out how we effectively communicate about the days and nights and the transitions.

I will want to know that this caregiver appreciates all you can do for yourself and give you the opportunity to participate as much as you can in your care experiences. This will support an unhurried environment and special time in together allowing for full attention. These times together are rich in building the connection and valued as opportunities with each other. With this awareness for emotional refuelling you will be better able to explore and play.

I want you to have time to play, uninterrupted and with freedom to move as you develop and grow over time in a prepared environment. This will mean the caregiver can create a safe and challenging space to allow you to accomplish this. This means the caregiver won’t need to feel that you need to be entertained, to get through the day. The way you are seen and heard is authentic and realistic for your development.

I need this to be an enduring relationship, and their commitment to this family is important. The continuity in your care helps you build healthy stable attachments and supports your future healthy secure relationships.

This caregiver will have integrity in all that they represent. The sensible qualities for trust for the visible and tangible and practical aspects of the relationship require the capacity to be responsive, consistent, reliable and objective; and the more sensitive aspects of trust - the emotional intelligence, and qualities such as empathy, intimacy, and the more intangible dispositional qualities will feature highly in my choice.

I want you to thrive, feel loved through how you are cared for and paid attention to.  The caregiver’s respectful attitude towards you will make a big difference in how you come to see yourself.

Most of all, I want this caregiver to feel a part of this family and enjoy being with you and to share the joy of all that you bring to this world.

​Respectfully,
Sharon Smith
 
Sharon Smith is a RIE® Associate and NZITC Chair.  Based in Auckland, she shares this work through RIE® Certified programs and through her infant and toddler consultancy Magic Child.

By Rosalie Sinclair
 
I first heard about RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ classes from a friend when my daughter Fern was around six months old. The timing couldn’t have been better as I was just at the stage where I was questioning if Fern was getting bored and needing some toys to start playing with. My friend explained the use of minimal toys in the class and how the babies are free to interact with what they choose. She also mentioned the wonderful facilitator, who had such a calm and caring manner.
 
Intrigued I sent an email to the facilitator Sharon, requesting more information. I was so intrigued, and the seed had been planted.  I remember staying up late that night watching videos and reading blogs, learning everything I could about RIE® and its’ founder - an exquisite lady with a hard to remember name! The next morning I wrote to Sharon again, sharing how my eyes had been opened to just how wonderful RIE® was and that we simply must come to the classes.  She was delighted and I remember her saying how my message brought a big smile to her face. From there began the complete transformation of myself as a parent and of my relationship with Fern. 
 
I see the difference adopting the Educaring® Approach has made in so many areas of our life. Here are a few examples I’d love to share:

1. When we first started the classes, I remember always arriving late. Our morning having been a juggle of balancing Fern’s needs and mine to get out the door. There was usually lots of rushing and tears (mainly Fern’s). We would arrive all flustered, and in general I was just cramming too much into our days. Being a part of these classes taught me to slow down, to simplify things. I learnt that I needed to respect Fern’s needs and realised what those truly were! The importance of connecting during care moments and then giving each other some space to simply be. How communication with your baby is vital and that they appreciate being told what is happening or going to happen next. It felt strange at first speaking to such a young baby like an adult, but now I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.
2. I loved being in the space of the classes every week with no role other than to observe my child for 90 whole minutes. What bliss! It allowed me to see what an incredible being Fern is (not simply just a baby!) and observe the small changes in her development. The Educaring® Approach of allowing your baby’s physical development to happen naturally made a lot of sense to me. But it certainly resulted in lots of questions and comments from curious friends and family as to why I was still laying Fern on her back on the ground at 11 months old. Fern has been so content at each stage, only moving on when she feels ready and has built up the adequate strength. There were a few times where my patience was tested and societal norms were starting to get the better of me, but I’m so glad I persisted. The rewards have been evident in the strength and coordination she has, and how she knows the capability and limits of her own body so well. 
3. Mutual respect - a revelation I had a few months ago around this was that I was doing a lot of talking at Fern. I changed this by taking a few more seconds to get down to her level, actually look her in the eye and then communicating the message. Boy was I amazed by the difference this made! She was so much more willing to comply with my requests. I also learnt here the importance of waiting patiently and giving her a few moments to process what I’ve said. As well I try as much as possible to let her make the decisions and have autonomy at appropriate moments, so when it’s my turn to be in charge she’s happier to cooperate. 
4. Growing up I learnt to hide my emotions (well the ‘negative’ ones at least) as I think a lot of us did. This meant the Educaring® Approach of allowing instead of suppressing all emotions was quite a challenge for me. I was determined however for my daughter to know that it is okay for her to share however she’s feeling. That I won’t try and fix her or distract her out of it, but instead guide her with how to express those emotions safely. I believe this is a much healthier release instead of keeping those feelings bottled up inside. Again this is something I often get odd looks about as to why I’m not in a frenzy hugging and swaying and shushing Fern to stop her crying when she’s hurt or upset. Instead I show her that I’m there for her and observe carefully to see what she needs at that moment.
5. The Educaring® Approach opened my eyes to the fact that as a parent you don’t just set boundaries because you’re the boss and know best. You set them because a toddler who is learning to understand the complicated world around them needs those boundaries to feel safe. They’re going to test and test to find out where they are, and if met with no resistance will end up confused and not knowing what to do with all that power. It’s also important for us as parents to model setting our own limits so our children will be able to do the same. This is again where showing respect is so important - there’s no need to trick and coerce your child into doing things. Instead be truthful, while also being prepared that there’s a good chance they might not be happy with what you’ve just said. But again your role is to allow those emotions to come, acknowledge them, and then follow through with what you’ve said. 

 
I am extremely grateful to have discovered RIE® and the Educaring® Approach.  I want to say a special thanks to Sharon and her practicum students who do such a wonderful job modelling and re-inspiring me in class. Fern is now 19 months old and I’m still learning something new every week! 
 
Rosalie Sinclair has been attending RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ Classes with her daughter Fern for the past five terms.  She has a wonderful podcast called The Crunchy Mama if you would like to hear more.