By Helen Lye.

Goodbyes are never easy. I know that even as an adult this is true.  When I really reflect on goodbyes, I don’t think I know anyone that enjoys them. Many of us avoid them or brush them over so that we can avoid being upset or perhaps it’s so that we just aren’t seen to be upset. The questions for me is…is this due to how we viewed goodbyes when we were children or is it just that no matter our age, the feeling of losing something, even temporarily, is something we’d all rather avoid?

When children enter the world, they are dependent on us to have their needs met. The reality of human life is that children have to eventually separate and become their own person. This is a completely normal stage of child development. They become more aware of themselves as a separate human being and of you, the adult, as a separate human being too. Strong, secure attachment relationships are the foundation for children’s well-being. Dr. Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber have advocated this notion for some time.  Brain research over the last two decades also echoes this sentiment. Once these relationships and attachments form in the first year of life, the presence of the person (or people) the child is attached to is important to the child. When it comes to separating from you, they will notice and it can be difficult for a young child due to the fact that they have little sense of time. Adults know how long a separation will last, but a young child doesn’t. All they know is that they are without the people they care the most about.  So how do we support children to understand and cope with separation ensuring that the trust and relationship between the adult and child remains in tact?

The answer is simple; just like most things with children, we support them by allowing them the opportunity to practice it and make sense of it. Until they have the repeated experience of being apart and the parent returning, they don’t know that a separation is only temporary. When we allow the child to practice separating (and with that reuniting), we are allowing them the opportunity to learn coping strategies for the situation. Children need to practice it in order to gain an understanding of it and this takes time. While this answer is simple, the process of this practice can be less so and the practicing of separation doesn’t come without hurt. We aren’t able to shield children from being upset or crying, but we can protect the trust between an adult and child and this trust is what supports the process of separations.  

My advice for separations is to start this learning and this sense of trust from the very beginning and start small. An example could be something as simple as going to the bathroom while in your own home. You tell them you’re going to the bathroom and then you’ll be back and then you go. They might protest or they might not. When you come back and see each other again, they then have the opportunity to begin to understand what that means. The trust between you grows as they learn that when you say you’re going to come back, you do. Eventually, your child will be able to remember that you will always return after you leave. This will be comfort enough while you’re gone. This opportunity allows them to develop coping skills for separation.

When I was in Sacramento earlier this year, observing a Parent-Infant class facilitated by Simone Stave Demarzi, in the discussion after class we talked about this. I remember thinking about the simplicity in the dialogue around such a complex matter. This was really thought provoking for me. There was a parent who in the past would sneak out during the class, and on that day she had told the child. While he had protested, Simone, who allowed him to express his feelings about the separation, supported him. When Mum came back and they were reunited, equilibrium was restored and the class and their exploration continued. 

This example highlighted that while the process of saying goodbye was important and an invaluable learning opportunity for the child; the reunion and how this was approached was of equal if not more importance. Though the separation was a rupture in their relationship, the reuniting is the repair and it is here that the trust and love is built.  According to brain development expert Daniel Siegel, ruptures are inevitable breaks in the nurturing connection with the child. What is important is not that ruptures never occur, but that ruptures are repaired. Repairing ruptures is an essential part of parenting, but also an essential part of all human relationships. Dr. Allan Schore also notes that the ability to repair ruptures is what allows the tolerance of negative affects, such as a separation. Research now shows us that this is where resilience and coping strategies are developed. A child’s resilience grows as they go through stresses, and then they go through the repair.  This allows them to not only make sense through practice, but to also cement the trust in the relationship through the repair.

Simone and I also talked about when adults sneak out without telling their child, they break their trust. That is the hard part for a child and can have an impact on the relationship between the adult and the child.  I have seen this also in an early childhood setting. The child has experienced their parent sneaking away, and from then on, they are on high alert when coming into the space. The trust has been broken so they are then on constant watch for any movements from their parent. They can be reluctant to get fully involved in anything because at the back of their mind, they are wondering if their person might be about to slip away. Even when you have to interrupt your child, saying goodbye is important. We also discussed the importance of practicing going and coming back alongside a supportive carer, someone who will support the child with the same language, compassion and understanding. 

This same idea was discussed in a recent Parent-Infant Guidance™ class with my mentor Sharon Smith; in particular how the process of saying goodbye has to be considered. The separation needs to be approached calmly and slowly. Heading to your child telling them confidently and calmly that you are going to go and who would be here for them and that they would be back. If we approach these moments too quickly, the child can respond very differently. Adults know what we are doing, but children need a little more time to process what you are saying so it’s critical that we slow down and allow children this tarry time.

“Separating and reuniting is what life is all about,” says Magda Gerber, RIE® Founder and if we really reflect on our own lives, this couldn’t be more true. This takes time, space and opportunity to practice it and gain an understanding. Children will get there eventually. Consistency, clarity and confidence can all help ease daily separations between an adult and child which will be a beautiful foundation for when the big separations come later, for example, when your child starts childcare. Be kind to yourself and to your child and just remember that everything gets easier with practice.


​Helen Lye has been an NZITC Board Member since 2016.  She was a NZITC Scholarship recipient in 2016 completing the RIE® Foundations™ with RIE® Associates Sharon Smith and Gail Nadal. She has recently completed her RIE® Practicum™.

By Sharon Smith

A question from a parent…"I am going back to work soon and am wondering if you can help guide me. What are some of the key things to look for when seeking the 'right' caregiver for your infant?"

Dear Baby,

Soon it will be time for me to go back to work and I have been wondering about the caregiver who will be with you during these times. I want to feel a sense of security from knowing that you are in safe, capable hands. This is incredibly important as I entrust your care and wellbeing into the hands of someone else.

I want to leave you with someone who can feel confident and capable with you. They will respond to you with care and respect. I will need to find out what respect means to this caregiver? What does it look like and what will it feel like for you and this person? How similar or different is it from my idea of what that is?

This won’t be easy of course, and the relationship you will establish with this caregiver, in terms of trust and security will depend on my relationship with this person in terms of trust and security also. This is a big step!

I am going to begin to work out how I can choose this person with an open dialogue. I will want to share my hopes and needs and listen about the experiences this caregiver can share to help me decipher how well we can work together. I want to ensure that I feel there is a goodness of fit in terms of personality for me and with your temperament. I will learn about this person’s childhood, values, the life experiences that they cherish or struggle with.

I will need to find out the types of experience this person has had with similar aged infants and about their child development knowledge? What have been their challenges in the past and what were the memorable moments? What did the caregiver learn about themselves from these experiences? Are they open to new learning and ideas?

I will look at their practical experience in how they care and I will share how I care for you -– as I need to know how this person will actively care for you – feeding a bottle, preparing food, putting you to bed, changing your nappy, bathing you, dressing you, comforting you – all the intimate care moments that serve your needs. How do they value these kinds of experiences?

This will help me understand how you respond to them and support how they get to know you, understand your cues, attune to you, talk with you about what is about to happen, handle your body and give you time and space, to show responsiveness in building their relationship with you. I need to know they can be clear in setting limits, accept your expression of feelings and confident to be emotionally present with you.

They will have a sense of humour as well as a sense of inner calm about them. They will understand about emotional intelligence and not feel overwhelmed by your emotions. They can respect your emotional integrity and communicate sensitively and clearly. The purposeful communication they will have with you is important in how they accept you, see you, hear you and understand that you can communicate with your body and gestures long before you speak.

The caregiver will provide you with recognisable and consistent patterns to the day. They will need to be flexible and comfortable with this kind of predictability to the day.
Our dialogue will help me work out the ease with which we can communicate about things that will come up. I will look for an openness and warmth in our exchanges and the ability to listen and problem solve. This will be important in building our trust with each other. As issues arise I need to know this caregiver can bring it to my attention and we can work through it together. We will need to work out how we effectively communicate about the days and nights and the transitions.

I will want to know that this caregiver appreciates all you can do for yourself and give you the opportunity to participate as much as you can in your care experiences. This will support an unhurried environment and special time in together allowing for full attention. These times together are rich in building the connection and valued as opportunities with each other. With this awareness for emotional refuelling you will be better able to explore and play.

I want you to have time to play, uninterrupted and with freedom to move as you develop and grow over time in a prepared environment. This will mean the caregiver can create a safe and challenging space to allow you to accomplish this. This means the caregiver won’t need to feel that you need to be entertained, to get through the day. The way you are seen and heard is authentic and realistic for your development.

I need this to be an enduring relationship, and their commitment to this family is important. The continuity in your care helps you build healthy stable attachments and supports your future healthy secure relationships.

This caregiver will have integrity in all that they represent. The sensible qualities for trust for the visible and tangible and practical aspects of the relationship require the capacity to be responsive, consistent, reliable and objective; and the more sensitive aspects of trust - the emotional intelligence, and qualities such as empathy, intimacy, and the more intangible dispositional qualities will feature highly in my choice.

I want you to thrive, feel loved through how you are cared for and paid attention to.  The caregiver’s respectful attitude towards you will make a big difference in how you come to see yourself.

Most of all, I want this caregiver to feel a part of this family and enjoy being with you and to share the joy of all that you bring to this world.

​Respectfully,
Sharon Smith
 
Sharon Smith is a RIE® Associate and NZITC Chair.  Based in Auckland, she shares this work through RIE® Certified programs and through her infant and toddler consultancy Magic Child.

By Rosalie Sinclair
 
I first heard about RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ classes from a friend when my daughter Fern was around six months old. The timing couldn’t have been better as I was just at the stage where I was questioning if Fern was getting bored and needing some toys to start playing with. My friend explained the use of minimal toys in the class and how the babies are free to interact with what they choose. She also mentioned the wonderful facilitator, who had such a calm and caring manner.
 
Intrigued I sent an email to the facilitator Sharon, requesting more information. I was so intrigued, and the seed had been planted.  I remember staying up late that night watching videos and reading blogs, learning everything I could about RIE® and its’ founder - an exquisite lady with a hard to remember name! The next morning I wrote to Sharon again, sharing how my eyes had been opened to just how wonderful RIE® was and that we simply must come to the classes.  She was delighted and I remember her saying how my message brought a big smile to her face. From there began the complete transformation of myself as a parent and of my relationship with Fern. 
 
I see the difference adopting the Educaring® Approach has made in so many areas of our life. Here are a few examples I’d love to share:

1. When we first started the classes, I remember always arriving late. Our morning having been a juggle of balancing Fern’s needs and mine to get out the door. There was usually lots of rushing and tears (mainly Fern’s). We would arrive all flustered, and in general I was just cramming too much into our days. Being a part of these classes taught me to slow down, to simplify things. I learnt that I needed to respect Fern’s needs and realised what those truly were! The importance of connecting during care moments and then giving each other some space to simply be. How communication with your baby is vital and that they appreciate being told what is happening or going to happen next. It felt strange at first speaking to such a young baby like an adult, but now I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.
2. I loved being in the space of the classes every week with no role other than to observe my child for 90 whole minutes. What bliss! It allowed me to see what an incredible being Fern is (not simply just a baby!) and observe the small changes in her development. The Educaring® Approach of allowing your baby’s physical development to happen naturally made a lot of sense to me. But it certainly resulted in lots of questions and comments from curious friends and family as to why I was still laying Fern on her back on the ground at 11 months old. Fern has been so content at each stage, only moving on when she feels ready and has built up the adequate strength. There were a few times where my patience was tested and societal norms were starting to get the better of me, but I’m so glad I persisted. The rewards have been evident in the strength and coordination she has, and how she knows the capability and limits of her own body so well. 
3. Mutual respect - a revelation I had a few months ago around this was that I was doing a lot of talking at Fern. I changed this by taking a few more seconds to get down to her level, actually look her in the eye and then communicating the message. Boy was I amazed by the difference this made! She was so much more willing to comply with my requests. I also learnt here the importance of waiting patiently and giving her a few moments to process what I’ve said. As well I try as much as possible to let her make the decisions and have autonomy at appropriate moments, so when it’s my turn to be in charge she’s happier to cooperate. 
4. Growing up I learnt to hide my emotions (well the ‘negative’ ones at least) as I think a lot of us did. This meant the Educaring® Approach of allowing instead of suppressing all emotions was quite a challenge for me. I was determined however for my daughter to know that it is okay for her to share however she’s feeling. That I won’t try and fix her or distract her out of it, but instead guide her with how to express those emotions safely. I believe this is a much healthier release instead of keeping those feelings bottled up inside. Again this is something I often get odd looks about as to why I’m not in a frenzy hugging and swaying and shushing Fern to stop her crying when she’s hurt or upset. Instead I show her that I’m there for her and observe carefully to see what she needs at that moment.
5. The Educaring® Approach opened my eyes to the fact that as a parent you don’t just set boundaries because you’re the boss and know best. You set them because a toddler who is learning to understand the complicated world around them needs those boundaries to feel safe. They’re going to test and test to find out where they are, and if met with no resistance will end up confused and not knowing what to do with all that power. It’s also important for us as parents to model setting our own limits so our children will be able to do the same. This is again where showing respect is so important - there’s no need to trick and coerce your child into doing things. Instead be truthful, while also being prepared that there’s a good chance they might not be happy with what you’ve just said. But again your role is to allow those emotions to come, acknowledge them, and then follow through with what you’ve said. 

 
I am extremely grateful to have discovered RIE® and the Educaring® Approach.  I want to say a special thanks to Sharon and her practicum students who do such a wonderful job modelling and re-inspiring me in class. Fern is now 19 months old and I’m still learning something new every week! 
 
Rosalie Sinclair has been attending RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ Classes with her daughter Fern for the past five terms.  She has a wonderful podcast called The Crunchy Mama if you would like to hear more.